The Simpsons (TV Series)

Lisa's Substitute (1991)

Dustin Hoffman: Mr. Bergstrom

Photos 

Quotes 

• Principal Skinner : Are you the substitute?

  Mr. Bergstrom : Yessir, yes I aim.

  Principal Skinner : Are you insane?

  Mr. Bergstrom : [lowers voice]  Uh, no sir, no I'm not. It's my way of getting their attention.

• Mr. Bergstrom : Mrs. Krabappel, are you trying to seduce me?

• Mr. Bergstrom : Actually, mister Simpson, they do know a great deal about the process of mummification. First they pull the brain out through the nose with an iron hook and stuff the insides with sawdust and onions.

  Lisa Simpson : Eww, gross!

  Homer : Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.

  Lisa Simpson : Oh, Lord...

• Mr. Bergstrom : And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys. Big guys, who were great shots, and spent money freely.