The Simpsons (TV Series)

Like Father, Like Clown (1991)

Yeardley Smith: Lisa Simpson

Quotes 

• Lisa : A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.

• Lisa : We've been going about this all wrong, Bart. What's the one thing Rabbis prize above everything else?

  Bart : Those stupid hats?

  Lisa : No, Bart, knowledge. We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.

• [Bart and Lisa are trying to help Krusty get back with his father] 

  Lisa : This is it, Bart. It's a longshot, but it's the most I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.

  [Bart looks at her expectantly] 

  Lisa : Bart, I am *not* learning ancient Hebrew!

• Krusty the Clown : [Krusty is telling the Simpsons the story of how he became estranged from his father, Rabbi Krustofski when he was the entertainer at a rabbi's convention]  My father would have never suspected a thing if it were not for one rowdy Rabbi.

  Rowdy Rabbi : [a Rabbi in the audience stands up with a bottle full of Seltzer]  Hey, funny man!

  Krusty the Clown : No, no, no!

  [the Rabbi sprays Krusty washing off his clown makeup unmasking him to the audience] 

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : [recognising his son]  Herschel? Herschel! Oy, vei is mir! You have brought shame on our family. Oh, if you were a musician or a jazz singer this I could forgive but... but, but this. I never want to see you again you, you... clown!

  [Krusty walks off the stage in tears] 

  Krusty the Clown : And I haven't seen my father since.

  Lisa : That is so sad.

  Bart : Krusty, do you think about your father a lot?

  Krusty the Clown : All the time. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business.

• Bart : [Yawns]  Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote 'The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it.' End quote.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?

  Bart : No.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : It was Judah the Prince?

  Bart : No.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Maimonides?

  Bart : No.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : Oh, I got it! The Dead Sea Scrolls!

  Bart : I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis Jr. An entertainer, like your son.

  Rabbi Hyman Krustofski : [Gasps]  The Candy Man? If a performer could think that way, maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem. Oh, all the years of joy that I've lost! Why? Because of my stubborn ways...

  [Begins to cry] 

  Lisa : There there, Rabbi. It's not too late.