- Lisa: You can't drive, dad. He's got your license.
- Homer Simpson: Well, I'm gonna try anyway.
- [starts the car]
- Homer Simpson: It worked! It's a miracle!
- Homer Simpson: Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself.
- [addresses the jury]
- Homer Simpson: Drunken hicks of the jury...
- Bart Simpson: [to Homer] Here's the mail, Dad. That'll be three dollars for on-couch delivery.
- Homer Simpson: [as he gives Bart money] And three makes three.
- Bart Simpson: This isn't real money. It's printed by the Montana Militia.
- Homer Simpson: It'll be real soon enough.
- Velma: You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous. How do you know I'm going to hire you?
- Bart Simpson: Sorry, I just want to be a broom-boy so bad.
- Velma: I like your attitude. You're hired.
- [to Lisa]
- Velma: How about you, missy? You wanna be a mop girl?
- Lisa: Not really no.
- Velma: I like your honesty. You're hired.
- [to Marge and Homer]
- Velma: And you two haven't said a word. I like that. you're hired.
- Marge Simpson: My goodness. What a lovely suit, Sheriff. Is that seersucker?
- Officer: Nah, not on a civil servant's salary. It's nearsucker.
- Marge Simpson: Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck.
- Officer: Yup. It's coming along, huh? You should see it in August after the horseflies been getting at it. Hoo, man!
- Marge Simpson: Dang, I wish I could, but in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar.
- Officer: Well, now.
- [chuckles]
- Officer: I might could switch you to dead animal pickup.
- Joe C.: Yo, yo! Straight outta Detroit, y'all! It's the J-O-E to the C! Let's rock the party with Kid Rock!
- Homer Simpson: Oh, no! It's a lost child! Don't worry, folks. I'll tackle him.
- [tries to get on stage, but security stops him]
- Charlie Rose: [as Homer is watching "Charlie Rose" on TV late at night] We're back with legendary producer Robert Evans. Now before you did "The Godfather," there was "Love Story." Tell us about that.
- Robert Evans: Ah, "Love Story." The little picture that could. Was Paramount chomping at the bit to make it? Heh, heh, you better believe they weren't. But once that tear-jerker hit John Q. Popcorn, it was boffo boo-hoo box office all the way.
- Charlie Rose: And the critics loved it too. I remember Vincent Canby said, "I'm gonna kill you, Homer. You are so dead."
- [Homer screams]
- Charlie Rose: Now "Chinatown" was a classic, but you had problems with the sequel, "The Two Jakes"?
- Robert Evans: Oh, boy. Disappointed? I had the blues like Chasen's had chilli. I said to myself, "Evans, you forgot Hollywood rule #1: "Kill Homer Simpson."
- [Homer screams and cowers under a blanket]
- Kid Rock: We'll give that punk a Joe C-section.
- Joe C.: Let's do this thing.
- Officer: All right now, boys. That's enough. Kid Rock, that's not like you.
- [Kid Rock frowns]
- Officer: And Joe C., would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that?
- Joe C.: No, sir. Please don't tell Mama.
- Homer Simpson: They called you a pig, Sheriff.
- Officer: Well, I don't care what they call me as long as they play "Fist of Rage." That's a good song.
- [chuckles]
- Psychiatrist: [to Homer] You hate your father, don't you?
- Homer Simpson: Sometimes, but the guy I really hate is your father.
- Psychiatrist: I shouldn't have brought that up. I was just venting.
- Homer Simpson: Bring on the Rapping Granny!
- [the crowd stares at him]
- Homer Simpson: What? She's hilarious.
- Kid Rock: You know, a lot of my homies didn't make it to the party and we're gonna give props to the fallen by pouring a 40 on the curb.
- [a curb is wheeled out on stage]
- Kid Rock: But this ain't no 40-ounce curb, so we're gonna need 40 gallons, y'all!
- [the crowd cheers]
- Homer Simpson: [as he drinks the 40-gallon bottle of beer] All for Homer. All for Homer.
- Kid Rock: What the?
- Joe C.: Hey, who's that fool?
- Kid Rock: Yo, let's waste this biotch.
- Homer Simpson: Biotch? Moi?
- Marge Simpson: [to the Sheriff as the family is being arrested for killing the alligator] You seemed so understanding before. What happened to "boys will be boys"?
- Officer: You see, during Spring Break, the beer companies pay me to look the other way. The rest of the year, I'm a real hard-ass.
- Bart Simpson: [When Marge, Bart and Lisa come downstairs after hearing Homer's screaming] Hey, what's all the screaming?
- Lisa: Some of us have grammar school in the morning, you know.
- Marge Simpson: Maybe you should see a doctor, Homie. A head doctor.
- Homer Simpson: I'm not crazy. It's the TV that's crazy!
- [points to the TV]
- Homer Simpson: Aren't you, TV?
- Robert Evans: [on TV] The crisis? Charlie Bludorn's birthday. The solution? A snappy banner. Out comes the phone, in flies Bobby Towne and six drafts later, I had myself a party.
- Homer Simpson: You see? Gibberish. All gibberish.
- Homer Simpson: [as he gives Lenny and Carl a quiz] Okay, last question: "Who is your favorite Backstreet Boy?"
- Lenny: Oh, the little rat-faced one.
- Carl: No, no, no. Nick. He's so good to his mother.
- Homer Simpson: According to this, you're both idiots.
- Lenny: Hey, thanks. What do we owe you?
- Lisa: Wow, look at all the stars you can see here.
- Marge Simpson: Those noxious gases from the swamp must magnify them.
- Bart Simpson: I'm getting used to this country life. Teacher said I'm whittling at a 10th grade level.
- Marge Simpson: And y'all hardly ever bicker anymore.
- Lisa: Too hot to bicker, I reckon.
- Homer Simpson: You know, killing that gator was the best decision I ever made.
- Bart Simpson: Got that right.
- Marge Simpson: Darn tootin'.
- Lisa: Boy howdy.
- Homer Simpson: [reading his Self-Test quiz book] Ok, there's a black widow at your door, a rattlesnake at the window and a scorpion on the phone. Do you A: None of the below, B...
- Marge Simpson: Homie, for godssakes, it's 2AM!
- Homer Simpson: [Referring to Kid Rock and Joe C] They called you a pig, sheriff.
- Officer: I don't care what they call me. As long as they play "Fists of Rage". That's a gooood song.
- Officer: You killed Captain Jack! You in a heap o' trouble, son!
- Homer Simpson: You'll have to catch me first!
- [he jumps into the water. Some snapping noises are heard, and he surfaces with a few small creatures all over him]
- Homer Simpson: Okay, I'll go quietly.