- [hallucinates that the other Simpsons are clowns]
- Homer: Marge?
- Marge Simpson: Yes, Homie?
- [starts humming the "Barnum and Bailey Circus" theme]
- Homer: [no longer from his viewpoint] That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
- [leaves]
- Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
- Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.
- Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
- Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble.
- Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
- Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!
- Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
- Homer: Benedict Arnold!
- Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
- Homer: D'oh!
- [gunshot, Flanders is knocked down]
- Ned Flanders: Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my...
- [second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again]
- Ned Flanders: Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside.
- [as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe]
- Homer: What keeps doing that?
- Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.
- Krusty's Accountant: Krusty as your accountant, I must warn you...
- Krusty the Clown: Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave?
- Krusty's Accountant: Yes, but as I told you, she's still...
- Krusty the Clown: I don't want to hear the end of any sentences!
- [last lines]
- Krusty the Clown: So, we're even now, right?
- Don Vittorio Di Maggio: No, we just-a won't kill you. But, you still owe use the money...
- [dramatic pause]
- Don Vittorio Di Maggio: $48!
- Krusty the Clown: Here's 50.
- Don Vittorio Di Maggio: And two your change. And-a we thank-a you.
- Krusty the Clown: Tell me where you're from.
- Clown Student 1#: Georgia.
- Clown Student 2#: Texas.
- Clown Student 3#: Uh... Brooklyn.
- Clown Student 4#: Russia.
- Clown Student 5#: New Hampshire.
- Homer: Homer.
- Krusty's Accountant: Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it *against* the Harlem Globetrotters?
- Krusty the Clown: [miserable] Oh, I thought the Generals were due!
- [watches the game on TV]
- Krusty the Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take it!
- [the Globetrotters score]
- Krusty the Clown: That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!
- Krusty's Assistant: George Carlin on line.
- Krusty the Clown: Yeah? Lawsuit? Oh, come on. My "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit. So I'm a thief, am I? Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEE!
- [hangs up]
- Krusty the Clown: Give him ten grand.
- Krusty's Assistant: Steve Martin on four.
- Krusty the Clown: Ten grand.
- Krusty the Clown: Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong!
- [throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]
- Homer: [taking notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.
- Homer: When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.
- Homer: Aw, being a clown sucks! You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business!
- Johnny Unitas: So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty Mustache Removal System now, Angelique?
- Model: It's Krusteriffic, Johnny Unitas. But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this?
- Johnny Unitas: Probably.
- Dick Cavett: Let's walk and talk. I, uh, I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.
- Homer: Er, can't, I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo.
- Dick Cavett: Hey, me too. We can go together.
- Homer: Um... no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick.
- Dick Cavett: Heh heh, your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho and...
- Homer: [grabbing him by the collar] Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it!
- Child: [the kids cheer and applaud as Estonian Dwarf, dressed like a cartoony burglar, appears] It's the Krusty Burglar!
- Homer: [as the KB tries to steal one of the giant prop burgers, Homer takes notice; gasps] Oh my God, he's stealing all the burgers! Why you little... !
- [he tackles Estonian Dwarf, slamming him against the pavement and punching him]
- Krusty Burger Representative: [tries unsuccessfully to break them up] It's... it's... all just... just... just an act.
- Child: [the children watch, horrified] Stop! Sto-ho-ho-hop, he's already dead!
- Krusty Burger Representative: [Krusty Burger employees pull Homer away, as Estonian Dwarf lays on the ground prostrate] Uh... Krusty the Clown, everybody!
- [the children still look on in horror, as one or two clap uncomfortably]
- Estonian Dwarf: [weakly] Please look at my Medic-Alert bracelet. Ohhhh.
- Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed at the total stranger staring back at you.
- Krusty the Clown: [looks at the mirror] AAAAAAAAHHH! I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME, YOU MORON!
- Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus I did your breasts.
- Krusty the Clown: Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts?
- Krusty the Clown: Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill.
- Krusty the Clown: See you tomorrow, kids. But before I go, I'd just like to say...
- [bicycle bell rings from inside his mouth]
- Fat Tony: Krusty, in regard to the large wager you placed on yesterday's horse race...
- Krusty the Clown: [laughing nervously] Uh, hey, how about letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight?
- Fat Tony: Who do you like?
- Krusty the Clown: The tenor.
- Fat Tony: [after a pause] Okay. But we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us, so consistently, up.
- [after Louie empties a rifle at Homer, but misses]
- Fat Tony: We need more ammo, let's go to Big Five.