The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer the Vigilante (1994)

Harry Shearer: Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Kent Brockman, TV Professor, Otto, Jasper, Lenny, Herman, Beatnik, Leaf Burner

Quotes 

• Kent Brockman : Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?

  Homer Simpson : Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.

  Kent Brockman : I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?

  Homer Simpson : Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.

  Kent Brockman : [pause]  Well, touché.

• Kent Brockman : Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?

  Professor : Yes I would, Kent.

• Homer Simpson : It's time to clean up this town!

  Seymour Skinner : Meaning what, exactly?

  Homer Simpson : You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.

• Seymour Skinner : Any sign of the burglar yet?

  Homer Simpson : He'll show.

  Seymour Skinner : How's that?

  Homer Simpson : It's his job.

  Seymour Skinner : How's that?

  Homer Simpson : He's a burglar.

  [they nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet" plays] 

• [looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses] 

  Chief Wiggum : What do you think of this, boys?

  Eddie : Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here...

  Chief Wiggum : It almost looks like an arrow.

  Lou : And it's pointing right at this police station.

  Chief Wiggum : Let's get out of here!

  [everyone runs] 

• Homer Simpson : So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.

  Seymour Skinner : How ironic.

• Kent Brockman : 'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this house a creature *was* stirring. But the only thing he was stirring was: up trouble.

• Kent Brockman : Well, it looks like we have our first caller. And I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show.

• Ned Flanders : Hidely-ho, neighborinos.

  Homer : Can't talk. Robbed. Go hell.

• Kent Brockman : When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?

  Professor : Yes, I would, Kent.

• Marge Simpson : I don't think the guns are a good idea.

  Homer : Marge! We're responsible adults.

  Moe Szyslak : [gunshot]  Whoops.

  Homer : And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way...

  Captain McCallister : [gunshot]  Sorry.

  Principal Skinner : [gunshot]  Uh-oh.

  Moe Szyslak : [gunshot]  Me again.

  Bart Simpson : [gunshot]  Sorry.