The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer the Vigilante (1994)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Santa's Little Helper, Barney Gumble, Grampa, Irish Man, Saxaphonist, Otto Meyer, Crowd Members

Quotes 

• Kent Brockman : Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?

  Homer Simpson : Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.

  Kent Brockman : I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?

  Homer Simpson : Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.

  Kent Brockman : [pause]  Well, touché.

• Homer : So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."

• Jimbo Jones : Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?

  Homer Simpson : I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?

  Jimbo Jones : Can I!

  Homer Simpson : You're in. Here's the sack!

  Moe Szyslak : But you gotta supply your own knobs!

• Lisa Simpson : Dad! There was a burglar, and he took my saxophone!

  Homer Simpson : Woo-hoo!

  Bart Simpson : And our portable TV!

  Homer Simpson : D'oh!

  Marge Simpson : He also took my pearl necklace.

  Homer Simpson : Eh, that's no big loss.

  Marge Simpson : Homer, that neckless was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!

  Homer Simpson : You've probably got a whole drawer full of those things.

  Marge Simpson : [Opens a drawer, pulls out a ball made of identical necklaces, removes one from the ball and puts it on]  Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.

• Homer Simpson : It's time to clean up this town!

  Seymour Skinner : Meaning what, exactly?

  Homer Simpson : You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.

• Homer Simpson : Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.

  Moe Szyslak : You're an idiot.

• Seymour Skinner : Any sign of the burglar yet?

  Homer Simpson : He'll show.

  Seymour Skinner : How's that?

  Homer Simpson : It's his job.

  Seymour Skinner : How's that?

  Homer Simpson : He's a burglar.

  [they nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet" plays] 

• Homer Simpson : Never ever stop in the middle of a hoe-down.

• Homer : [reading the newspaper]  Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk.

• Homer Simpson : So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.

  Seymour Skinner : How ironic.

• Homer Simpson : All right: these are our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows.

  Marge Simpson : And don't take candy from strangers.

  Homer Simpson : Marge, they're only human!

• Jimbo Jones : You let me down, man! Now I don't believe in nothing, no more! I'm going to law school!

  Homer : NOOOOOOOOO!

• Lisa Simpson : [after their house is robbed]  We are insured, aren't we, Mom?

  Marge Simpson : Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance.

  Homer : Mm...

  [shaking his fist at a jar] 

  Homer : Curse you, magic beans!

  Marge Simpson : Oh, stop blaming the beans.

• Grampa : [at Flanders' neighborhood watch meeting]  I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first, I was just filled with vinegar.

  Homer : Hmm, sorry, Dad. You're too old.

  Grampa : [sputtering]  Too old? Why, that just means I have experience! Who chased the Irish out of Springfield Village in aught-four? Me! That's who.

  Irish Man : And a fine job you did, too.

  Homer : Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless.

  [tickling him] 

  Homer : Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes, they are! Yes, they are!

  Grampa : [laughing, then stopping him]  Stop it! It's a form of abuse!

• Malloy : Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.

  Homer Simpson : Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.

  Abe Simpson : Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha...

  Moe Szyslak : Shut up.

  Abe Simpson : [meekly]  I've had my moment.

• Homer : Asleep at the switch. I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

  Bart Simpson : I believe you, dad.

• Ned Flanders : Hidely-ho, neighborinos.

  Homer : Can't talk. Robbed. Go hell.

• Homer : [Lisa cries over her stolen saxophone]  Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.

• Homer : We don't need a thinker, we need a doer. Someone who'll act without considering the consequences.

• Marge Simpson : I don't think the guns are a good idea.

  Homer : Marge! We're responsible adults.

  Moe Szyslak : [gunshot]  Whoops.

  Homer : And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way...

  Captain McCallister : [gunshot]  Sorry.

  Principal Skinner : [gunshot]  Uh-oh.

  Moe Szyslak : [gunshot]  Me again.

  Bart Simpson : [gunshot]  Sorry.

• Bart Simpson : The burglar even took my stamp collection.

  Lisa Simpson : *You* had a stamp collection?

  [as the family laughs, Bart picks up the ringing phone receiver] 

  Nelson Muntz : Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

  Lisa Simpson : Ohh. Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. That saxophone was my one creative outlet. It was the only way I could truly express myself.

  Homer : Shh! Quiet, Lisa.

• Marge Simpson : Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?

  Lisa Simpson : And I still don't have my saxophone.

  Homer Simpson : Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination...

  Lisa Simpson : World domination?

  Homer Simpson : Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.

  [thinks] 

  Homer Simpson : Mental note: the girl knows too much.