The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer the Vigilante (1994)

Hank Azaria: Chief Wiggum, Lou, Professor Frink, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Moe Szyslak, Captain McCallister, Crowd Members

Quotes 

• Kent Brockman : Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?

  Professor : Yes I would, Kent.

• Jimbo Jones : Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?

  Homer Simpson : I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?

  Jimbo Jones : Can I!

  Homer Simpson : You're in. Here's the sack!

  Moe Szyslak : But you gotta supply your own knobs!

• Homer Simpson : Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.

  Moe Szyslak : You're an idiot.

• [looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses] 

  Chief Wiggum : What do you think of this, boys?

  Eddie : Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here...

  Chief Wiggum : It almost looks like an arrow.

  Lou : And it's pointing right at this police station.

  Chief Wiggum : Let's get out of here!

  [everyone runs] 

• Apu : [Camped out on top of the Kwik-E-Mart with a shotgun, taking shots at customers that pull up]  Thank you for coming! I'll see you in Hell!

• Malloy : Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.

  Homer Simpson : Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.

  Abe Simpson : Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha...

  Moe Szyslak : Shut up.

  Abe Simpson : [meekly]  I've had my moment.

• Chief Wiggum : We have a major break in the case. We recovered the burglar's handkerchief from one of the crime scenes. Now, one sniff of this baby, and our tracking dog will be hot on his trail. Gosh, look at me. I'm sweatin' like a pig here.

  [absent-mindedly wiping himself with the handkerchief] 

  Chief Wiggum : Ah. Oh, man. That's better.

  [offering it to the dog] 

  Chief Wiggum : All right, get the scent, boy. Come on, get the scent. Now kill!

  [the dog attacks him] 

  Chief Wiggum : Hey!

  [as he falls off the stage, reporters begin taking pictures] 

  Chief Wiggum : Ah, my jugular! Ah! Ooh! Any questions?

• Kent Brockman : When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?

  Professor : Yes, I would, Kent.

• Marge Simpson : I don't think the guns are a good idea.

  Homer : Marge! We're responsible adults.

  Moe Szyslak : [gunshot]  Whoops.

  Homer : And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way...

  Captain McCallister : [gunshot]  Sorry.

  Principal Skinner : [gunshot]  Uh-oh.

  Moe Szyslak : [gunshot]  Me again.

  Bart Simpson : [gunshot]  Sorry.