The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer and Apu (1994)

James Woods: James Woods

Quotes 

• James Woods : [after just giving Jimbo change at the Kwik-E-Mart]  Hey, uh. Can I just ask you a question? Did you... did you believe that? I mean, the way I gave you the change. Did I sound like a real Kwik-E-Mart, you know, kinda guy?

  Jimbo Jones : Actually, I thought it was a little labored. You gotta lose yourself in the moment, man.

  James Woods : Yeah, yeah. Okay, great. Okay, let's just try that again, okay? Come on.

  [Jimbo turns around] 

  James Woods : Hey, hey! Hey, get over here! Okay, now you're you, and I'm me.

  Jimbo Jones : I'm me?

  James Woods : [grabs Jimbo's shirt]  Hey. Don't... jerk me around, fella.

• James Woods : But, as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a far away planet.

  Marge : That sounds like a good movie.

  James Woods : Yes... Yes, a movie, yes.

• Thief : [an armed robber enters the Kwik-E-Mart]  Alright you! Hand over the cash and don't try any funny stuff!

  James Woods : Hey pal. I assure you if I tried any funny stuff you would be in hysterics.

  Thief : Hey, you're James Woods.

  James Woods : [flattered]  Oh, thank you. Yes. Thank you.

  Thief : Well, Mr Woods. Your new song is gonna be "No. 3 With a Bullet".

  [cocks the gun] 

  James Woods : Er... I'm not a singer.

  Thief : Shut up!

  [the thief takes aim] 

  Apu : Nooooooooo!

  [the thief fires but Apu takes the bullet by acting as a human shield so the thief hightails it] 

  James Woods : Apu!

  Apu : Oh! The searing kiss of hot lead. How I missed you. I mean... I think I'm dying.

  [Apu loses consciousness] 

  James Woods : Oy.