The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife (2006)

Ricky Gervais: Charles Heathbar

Quotes 

• Charles : I have a joke.

  Marge Simpson : Ooh! I like jokes. As long as it's not a knock-knock joke. I always ruin them by saying "come in".

  Charles : So, there's a man, right? and he comes across a genie.

  Marge Simpson : That's funny!

  Charles : That's just the setup.

  Marge Simpson : Oh. Well, it's set me up for a lot of laughs.

  Charles : So, the genie says to the man "I'll give you three wishes, but everything you wish for, your wife will get double."

  Marge Simpson : Umm-hmmm.

  Charles : So, the man says "I want a brand new car," and the genie says "Your wife gets two!" You remember, the whole double...?

  [Marge smiles and nods] 

  Charles : Then the man says "I want a house." "Your wife gets two!" You see how it works...? So now the man has one more wish, and here's the humor, right? The man says, "I want you to beat me half to death."

  [laughs] 

  Charles : Right, you see? See, since the wife gets double, if the man gets beaten half to death, that means the wife would be beaten to death!

  Marge Simpson : That's not funny. That's horrible!

  Charles : I agree, simply awful, spousal abuse and all... It is a wee bit humorous, though, don't you think?

  Marge Simpson : No.

  Charles : No, of course not.

  Marge Simpson : I did like the part with the genie, though.

• Charles : One more kind word from her, and I am completely smitten.

  Marge Simpson : Ooh, the toaster takes bagels. How ritzy.

  Charles : And there you have it.