- [Homer's TV interview]
- Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on
- [edit]
- Homer: her
- [edit]
- Homer: sweet can.
- [edit]
- Homer: I grab
- [edit]
- Homer: her
- [edit]
- Homer: sweet can.
- [edit]
- Homer: Oh, just thinking about
- [edit]
- Homer: her
- [edit]
- Homer: can. I just wish I had
- [edits]
- Homer: her sweet, sweet, s-s-sweet can.
- Anchorman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers!
- Homer: HEY! That's a half-truth!
- Homer: So, a graduate student, huh? How come they can send a man to the moon but can't make my shoes smell good?
- Ashley Grant: I'm sorry?
- Homer: Ah, nobody's blamin' you.
- Kent Brockman: [Voicing over a frontal shot of the Simpsons' home, during a news broadcast] Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So let's turn it on!
- [Shot suddenly changes to an xray-like image of the house, with two distinct orange heat sources. One is the entire Simpson family, including Homer, sitting on the couch, the other is a turkey-shaped silhouette rotating in the oven]
- Kent Brockman: Now, this technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly.
- [Camera zooms in for a clear shot of the turkey]
- Kent Brockman: His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees - he's literally stewing in his own juices.
- Kent Brockman: [Voicing-over an aerial shot of the Simpsons' home, during a news broadcast] This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at eight o'clock for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came, and when Marge Simpson put the cat out... possibly because it was harassed, we don't know.
- Homer: [being hassled by protesters] You people can't stop me from living my life.
- [the protesters follow Homer all the way to work]
- Woman Rocking Homer: We're not crazy about nuclear power either.
- Smithers: You people aren't allowed in here.
- [the protesters stop hassling Homer for a moment]
- Homer: No, it's OK, they're with me.
- [Smithers leaves and the protesters resume hassling Homer]
- Homer: [driving Ashley home] Hey could you grab the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once.
- Ashley Grant: [disgusted] Just drop me off here!
- Homer: [notices Ashley had sat on the gummi Venus de Milo and it's stuck to her pants]
- [gasps]
- Homer: Precious Venus...
- [rips it off her pants]
- Homer: [Ashley feels it and looks over at Homer who's drooling and runs away screaming] Thank you!
- [eats the gummi]
- Ashley Grant: [angrily points at Homer] You grabbed me in the car!
- Homer: [thinks for a moment] Oh that, No I was just grabbing the gummi Venus de Milo that got stuck to your pants
- Woman: Yeah right, that's the oldest excuse in the book!
- Homer: Come on, I'm a decent guy!
- [a news helicopter arrives on the scene blowing up Homer's robe revealing he's not wearing any underwear]
- Kent Brockman: [Rounding out a news story on Homer's sexual harassment scandal] Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95% of people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding. Unless proposition 304 passes, and we all pray it will.
- Announcer: And now we return to "Fox Night at the Movies": "Homer S.: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber", starring Dennis Franz.
- Homer Simpson: Ooh, "portrait"! Sounds classy. Doesn't it?
- [On screen, Franz as Homer laughs as he drives through a line of parking meters while "Ashley" screams. A cat is cleaning itself in the middle of the road]
- "Ashley Grant": No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature.
- Dennis Franz as Homer Simpson: I don't care!
- [Franz as Homer proceeds to run the cat over. He recklessly pulls the car next to a sidewalk]
- Dennis Franz as Homer Simpson: [leering at "Ashley"] Now, I'm gonna grab me some *sweet*.
- "Ashley Grant": No, Mr. Simpson, that's sexual harassment. If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud the whole country will hear!
- Dennis Franz as Homer Simpson: [chuckles darkly] With a man in the White House? Not likely!
- [laughs maniacally]
- Homer: [finding out he's being accused for sexual harassment] Phew, what a relief for a second I thought I was in trouble, it's a good thing - DOH!
- [At the candy convention, Dr. Frink introduces his latest invention]
- Professor Frink: As you can see, I have created a lemon ball so sour, it can only be safely contained in a magnetic field. The candy, known as 77X42 is -- hey!
- [looks in case]
- Professor Frink: Where the hell's the candy?
- Homer: [face grossly contorted] I dunno...
- Ashley Grant: [holding up video game cartridge while Bart tries to jump up to reach it] See, males aren't that hard to tame.
- Lisa Simpson: Hee hee hee.
- Angry Mob: Two! Four! Six! Eight! Homer's crime was very great!
- [pause]
- Angry Mob: "Great" meaning "large" or "immense", We use it in the pejorative sense!
- [Godfrey Jones "confronts" the re-edited footage of Homer]
- Godfrey Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?
- [Homer looks lustful in a clearly-paused VCR shot]
- Godfrey Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further.
- [paused shot of Homer grows larger]
- Godfrey Jones: No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist -- Mr. Simpson -- NOOO!
- Announcer: [spoken rapidly] Dramatization: may not have happened.
- [In bed that night, Homer sighs, glad to be finally rid of the angry mob]
- Homer: They're ruining my whole life. Marge, please, this is where I need you the most: I'm counting on you do to something or say something to make it all better. OK... go!
- Marge: Homer...
- Homer: [anxious] Uh huh?
- Marge: I already talked to the indignation coordinator out on the lawn today. I told her you were a decent man, but she wouldn't listen. Besides standing by you and supporting you, there isn't any more I can do.
- Homer: You mean... I'm on my own? I've never been on my own! Oh no... on own... on own! I need help... oh, God, help me. HELP ME, GOD!
- [phone rings, Homer answers it very slowly]
- Homer: [very slowly] Yello?
- Godfrey Jones: Hello, Homer. This is God... frey Jones from the TV magazine show "Rock Bottom". We're aware of your problems, and, Mr. Simpson... we want to help.
- Homer: Mmm. I saw that report you did on Sasquatch. It was fair and even-handed. I'll do it!
- [Inside a studio at Channel Three, Grampa helps them decorate by hanging a large U.S. flag behind Homer's podium]
- Marge: There are only 49 stars on that flag.
- Grampa Simpson: [angrily] I'll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I recognize "Missourah"!
- Groundskeeper Willie: My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars. I didn't come forward, because in this country, it makes you look like a pervert. But every single Scottish person does it!