The Simpsons (TV Series)

Black Widower (1992)

Nancy Cartwright: Dino-Son, Bart Simpson

Quotes 

• Bart : After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom, and we were on our way!

• [watching TV, Bart suddenly realizes Bob's plan] 

  Bart : [shoots to his feet]  Aunt Selma has one hour to live!

  Homer Simpson : Hey, down in front.

• [Hearing about Bob's fantasies of murdering him] 

  Bart : Aye caramba!

  Sideshow Bob : Bart, if I'd wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken as soon as I walked in that door...

  [Everyone gasps] 

  Sideshow Bob : ...but then, what kind of guest would I have been?

  [laughs] 

• Sideshow Bob : Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening.

  Sideshow Bob : [singing]  And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you...

  Bart : [turns around in the chair]  Sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here are the good people of Best Western Hotels.

  Sideshow Bob : Bart!

  Patty : [slaps Sideshow Bob]  You tried to kill me! I want a separation!

• Marge : Now, kids, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selman's new boyfriend tonight...

  [Homer blows air through his lips] 

  Patty : But I think that before he gets here I should tell you something about him... Something *disturbing*.

  [Homer, Lisa and Bart all have thoughts in their heads about what Selma's new boyfriend is like] 

  Patty : You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.

  Bart : Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.

  Marge : Now, now he's an *ex*-convict. He's paid his debt to society.

  Patty : Then how come you're not using the good silverware?

  Marge : I'm just not.

• Sideshow Bob : Bart, I must know how did you untangle my web?

  Homer Simpson : Yeah, Bart, clue us in.

  Bart : [looking at Chief Wiggum]  I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town how to do his job.

  Chief Wiggum : No, please, it's the only way I'll learn.

  Bart : All right. Sideshow Bob seemed desperate to get that fireplace, but why? Then it hit me - The gas! Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak except Aunt Selma.

  Selma : [flashback]  I permanently lost my sense of smell.

  Bart : She happily watched MacGyver unaware that her room was silently filling with natural gas. All it needed to explode was a single spark, say, from a cigarette.

  Selma : [flashback]  I've decided to give up smoking except after meals and MacGyver.

  Bart : Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. When Aunt Selma lights up after MacGyver she'll be blown to kingdom come.

  Homer Simpson : [flashback]  Come again?

  Bart : After trying four times to explain it to Homer I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!

  Homer Simpson : [flashback]  To the Simpson Mobile!

  Sideshow Bob : If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, I'll field that one.

  Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The police and Homer smoking cigars]  Me and my boys were celebrating on a job well done when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene.

  Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The room explodes]  Oh, right, the gas.

  Sideshow Bob : [being led away in handcuffs, laughing at the end]  I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

  Selma : I feel like such a fool.

  Marge : Well, he fooled almost everyone. But there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.

  Bart : Thanks, Mom. Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway before we all suffocate.

• Bart : Bart no like. Bad medicine.

• Bart : Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail for a two-time loser?

  Chief Wiggum : Well, no, frankly, but that never stopped us before.

  [then laughs] 

• Bart : Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father.

• Bart : oh well looks like the wedddings off fiddle d d tommrows another day.