The Simpsons (TV Series)
Black Widower (1992)
Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier
Quotes
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Sideshow Bob : [Sideshow bob is watching TV with Selma]
Man : Thank you, Sen?or MacGyver, you saved our village.
MacGyver : Don't thank me, thank the Moon's gravitational pull.
Selma : That MacGyver's a genius.
Sideshow Bob : First of all, he's not a genius, he's an actor, and second, he's not *much* of an actor.
Selma : You're lying! You're lying!
Sideshow Bob : No Selma, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch.
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Sideshow Bob : Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening.
Sideshow Bob : [singing] And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you...
Bart : [turns around in the chair] Sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here are the good people of Best Western Hotels.
Sideshow Bob : Bart!
Patty : [slaps Sideshow Bob] You tried to kill me! I want a separation!
-
Sideshow Bob : Soon I will kill you...
[under his breath while rubbing one of her feet]
Selma : Huh?
[sitting up]
Sideshow Bob : Son pied sent beau; French for: her foot smells lovely.
Selma : Oh.
[laying back down]
Sideshow Bob : Prepare to be murdered...
[under his breath again]
Selma : Huh?
[sitting up again]
Sideshow Bob : Pa parda mai moul-doo. That's... Sanskrit for your toes are like perfume.
[Phonetic spelling]
Selma : Hahaha.
[lays back down]
Sideshow Bob : Voy a matarle...
[under his breath]
Selma : What?
Sideshow Bob : That's spanish for... I'm going to kill you...
[saying the last part under his breath]
Selma : Say what?
-
Marge : Now, kids, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selman's new boyfriend tonight...
[Homer blows air through his lips]
Patty : But I think that before he gets here I should tell you something about him... Something *disturbing*.
[Homer, Lisa and Bart all have thoughts in their heads about what Selma's new boyfriend is like]
Patty : You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
Bart : Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.
Marge : Now, now he's an *ex*-convict. He's paid his debt to society.
Patty : Then how come you're not using the good silverware?
Marge : I'm just not.
-
Selma : You tried to kill me! I want a separation!
-
Marge : Well, he fooled almost everyone, but there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
-
Selma : Bob, one of my fillings fell out.
Sideshow Bob : Even murder has its ugly side...
[after trying to scrub himself clean in the bathroom]
-
Sideshow Bob : Bart, I must know how did you untangle my web?
Homer Simpson : Yeah, Bart, clue us in.
Bart : [looking at Chief Wiggum] I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town how to do his job.
Chief Wiggum : No, please, it's the only way I'll learn.
Bart : All right. Sideshow Bob seemed desperate to get that fireplace, but why? Then it hit me - The gas! Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak except Aunt Selma.
Selma : [flashback] I permanently lost my sense of smell.
Bart : She happily watched MacGyver unaware that her room was silently filling with natural gas. All it needed to explode was a single spark, say, from a cigarette.
Selma : [flashback] I've decided to give up smoking except after meals and MacGyver.
Bart : Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. When Aunt Selma lights up after MacGyver she'll be blown to kingdom come.
Homer Simpson : [flashback] Come again?
Bart : After trying four times to explain it to Homer I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!
Homer Simpson : [flashback] To the Simpson Mobile!
Sideshow Bob : If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
Chief Wiggum : Oh, I'll field that one.
Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The police and Homer smoking cigars] Me and my boys were celebrating on a job well done when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene.
Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The room explodes] Oh, right, the gas.
Sideshow Bob : [being led away in handcuffs, laughing at the end] I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
Selma : I feel like such a fool.
Marge : Well, he fooled almost everyone. But there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
Bart : Thanks, Mom. Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway before we all suffocate.
