The Simpsons (TV Series)

Black Widower (1992)

Hank Azaria: Dino-Dad, Prisoner, Krusty Telethon Announcer, Man Thanking MacGyver, Angus MacGyver, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum

Quotes 

• Sideshow Bob : [Sideshow bob is watching TV with Selma] 

  Man : Thank you, Sen?or MacGyver, you saved our village.

  MacGyver : Don't thank me, thank the Moon's gravitational pull.

  Selma : That MacGyver's a genius.

  Sideshow Bob : First of all, he's not a genius, he's an actor, and second, he's not *much* of an actor.

  Selma : You're lying! You're lying!

  Sideshow Bob : No Selma, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch.

• Sideshow Bob : But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, I'll field that one.

  [flashback: Wiggum, Lou, Eddie, and Homer are all lighting up cigars outside the hotel room] 

  Chief Wiggum : [voice-over]  Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done, when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene...

  [explosion] 

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, right! The gas.

• Sideshow Bob : Bart, I must know how did you untangle my web?

  Homer Simpson : Yeah, Bart, clue us in.

  Bart : [looking at Chief Wiggum]  I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town how to do his job.

  Chief Wiggum : No, please, it's the only way I'll learn.

  Bart : All right. Sideshow Bob seemed desperate to get that fireplace, but why? Then it hit me - The gas! Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak except Aunt Selma.

  Selma : [flashback]  I permanently lost my sense of smell.

  Bart : She happily watched MacGyver unaware that her room was silently filling with natural gas. All it needed to explode was a single spark, say, from a cigarette.

  Selma : [flashback]  I've decided to give up smoking except after meals and MacGyver.

  Bart : Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. When Aunt Selma lights up after MacGyver she'll be blown to kingdom come.

  Homer Simpson : [flashback]  Come again?

  Bart : After trying four times to explain it to Homer I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!

  Homer Simpson : [flashback]  To the Simpson Mobile!

  Sideshow Bob : If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, I'll field that one.

  Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The police and Homer smoking cigars]  Me and my boys were celebrating on a job well done when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene.

  Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The room explodes]  Oh, right, the gas.

  Sideshow Bob : [being led away in handcuffs, laughing at the end]  I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

  Selma : I feel like such a fool.

  Marge : Well, he fooled almost everyone. But there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.

  Bart : Thanks, Mom. Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway before we all suffocate.

• Bart : Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail for a two-time loser?

  Chief Wiggum : Well, no, frankly, but that never stopped us before.

  [then laughs]