- Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin", and "Get Confident, Stupid.".
- Brad Goodman: Okay, folks, let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go!
- "Diamond" Joe Quimby: I, uh, can't commit to a relationship!
- Montgomery Burns: I'm too nice!
- Apu: I have problems with...
- Lenny: [interrupts] I'm always interrupting people!
- Brad Goodman: Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting. There's no trick to it, it's just a simple trick!
- Kent Brockman: A new mood is in the air in Springfield, as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about *beep*ing time!
- Brad Goodman: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this... this...
- Bart: Rudiger
- Brad Goodman: Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger
- Marge Simpson: His name is Bart
- Brad Goodman: His name isn't important!
- "Diamond" Joe Quimby: By the way, this woman is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I tell you this because I am comfortable with my womanizing!
- [If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now]
- Edna Krabappel: The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi. Who can tel me what his first message was?
- Milhouse: I wanna change-a my name-a!
- Brad Goodman: You know, my course can help you with every personality disorder in the "Feel Bad Rainbow." Let's look at the rainbow; what's in there? Depression, insomnia, motor-mouth, darting eyes, indecisiveness, decisiveness, bossiness, uncontrollable falling down, geriatric profanity disorder
- [or GPD]
- Brad Goodman: , and chronic nagging... nagging... nagging...
- [Marge looks visibly concerned by the latter word, which seems to repeat itself in her head]
- Selma Bouvier: [hits the TV several times while the word "nagging" is still repeated] Sorry, it does that sometimes.
- Brad Goodman: Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications. Well, I may not have a lot of "credentials" or "training". But I'll tell you one thing. I'm a PhD in pain.
- Troy McClure: And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the you in "impr-you-vement" - Brad Goodman!
- Brad Goodman: Thank you so much Troy. And by the way, I'm not happy you're still drinking. But at least you're down to one, from almost fifty.
- [crowd applauds]
- Edna Krabappel: The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi. Who can tel me what his first message was?
- Lisa Simpson: I wanna change-a my name-a!