- Llewellyn Sinclair: I am not an easy director to work for. While directing "Hats Off to Hanukkah," I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders?
- [holds up copy of school paper]
- Llewellyn Sinclair: The review, "Play Enjoyed By All", speaks for itself.
- Llewellyn Sinclair: [to the cast] Perhaps we are all a little mad, we who don the cap a bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment!
- [to Otto]
- Llewellyn Sinclair: Except you. You're not working out, I'll be playing your part.
- Otto: Drag.
- Marge: I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults.
- Homer Simpson: Sounds interesting.
- Marge: You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist.
- Homer Simpson: Sounds interesting.
- Llewellyn Sinclair: Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I'm planning for a fourth.
- Helen: My name is Helen Lovejoy and I'll be playing Stella.
- Apu: I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve.
- Otto: My name is Otto. I'm playing Pablo.
- Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch.
- Marge: I'm Marge Simpson, I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.
- [Sinclair takes one and eats it]
- Sinclair: Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality?
- Chief Wiggum: I would.
- Ms. Sinclair: Mrs. Simpson... do you know what a child is saying when it's reaching for the bottle?
- Marge: ...Baba?
- Ms. Sinclair: She's saying "I am a leech!"
- [after Llewellyn introduces himself]
- Marge: Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic!
- Homer Simpson: I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
- Marge Simpson: What kooky projects?
- Homer Simpson: You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.
- [Marge is rehearsing the musical of A Streetcar Named Desire]
- Homer: Marge, your ride is here!
- Marge: Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more!
- Ned Flanders: You're a dame and I'm a fella!
- Marge: Stanley stop, or I'll tell Stella!
- Llewellyn Sinclair: Marge, Marge! I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit!
- Homer: Marge, can I have some change for the candy machine?
- Llewellyn Sinclair: [throwing a load of change on the floor] Oh, HERE!
- Homer: Hey, there's some quarters in here!