- Dr. Cox: [in response to something J.D. just said] Oh, my God! I care so little, I almost passed out!
- Dr. Kelso: Now, you went to four years of college and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight.
- Ted: Now, uh, you haven't discussed the lawsuit with Mr. Bragin, have you?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [Flashback] A lawsuit?
- [Cut back to the present]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: It, uh, it sort of came up, yeah.
- Ted: Oh, God! Tell me you didn't antagonize him!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [Flashback] So sue me!
- Ted: [Cut back to the present] Or admit fault?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [Flashback] That is totally my fault!
- Ted: [Cut back to the present] Oh, come on! A GOOD lawyer couldn't win this case!
- Dr. Cox: [JD recently identified a disease in a patient from watching a TV show and Dr. Cox wants to prove it was a fluke] Here's your chance. Two identical patients. I say we divide 'em up, just like in "The Parent Trap". One goes with the sexy, freewheeling bachelor dad, hello. The other goes with the whiny, neurotic, sexually repressed mom, oh, just you all over. Oh, and I checked tonight's TV listings. There is no special on that disease, so you're gonna wanna stop at the Blockbuster.
- J.D.: Please, I know all there is to know about thrombotic thrombo cyto... cytop top top top... toppy... toppy.
- Nurse Roberts: Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.
- [Dr. Cox and the pregnant Jordan are walking through towards a Nurses' Station]
- Dr. Cox: Yes, hello? Could we please get my hormonal, extremely annoying ex-wife's amnio underway?
- Jordan: Wow, I can't wait to write that down in the baby journal.
- [Dr. Cox grunts]
- Jordan: Could you be a bigger ass right now?
- Dr. Cox: Could you *have* a bigger ass right now?
- [J.D. is sitting next to David Copperfield in the bar]
- J.D.: What's that I see in your ear...? Pa-ZOW!
- [J.D. fumbles with a coin, as he magically produces it from Mr. Copperfield's ear]
- David Copperfield: [unimpressed] Cool, a coin.
- J.D.: Do you want it?
- [Copperfield takes the coin...]
- David Copperfield: Here, you have it.
- [... and motions to drop it into J.D.'s palm. With a bit of a flourish, the coin disappears. J.D. laughs with awe]
- David Copperfield: [mocking] Haw-haw! Magic!
- J.D.: And Laverne, I'm sorry I'm bein' such a pain about this guy, it's just that Dr. Cox and I have this little competition goin', and... I know that probably seems insensitive to you...
- Nurse Roberts: Sweetheart, you don't have to explain yourself to me. But you better get your story straight when you come face to face with Jesus.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: It's just harder for me because I've always had everything. I got used to it. You guys never had to deal with that.
- Carla: Yeah, we're lucky.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Still, this whole thing is just as much her fault as it is my father's - neither one of them prepared me for this.
- J.D.: Look, Elliot, my dad's an office supplies salesman. A bad one. So things were a little different for me, growing up.
- Sam Dorian: [Flashback: J.D.'s dad hands him a bicycle bell, ringing it a couple times] See, this is a bicycle bell. Now, you hold on to this, because I'm gonna give you a different part every year. Maybe after the party, we can take it out for a spin!
- Young J.D.: Great.
- Sam Dorian: [grinning] 'Kay?
- J.D.: [Cuts back to the present]
- [lost in thought]
- J.D.: Still waiting on that kick-stand.
- J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox. I'm sorry, I was just so frustrated before. So, now I'm here, why don't you go ahead and tell me what I forgot?
- Dr. Cox: [grinning excitedly] Can I? Really?
- J.D.: Sure! Hit me.
- Dr. Cox: How about, "Go to hell, Shakira."
- J.D.: What?
- Dr. Cox: What, now that you've decided you're ready to listen, how does it work, huh? You gonna pull a string on my back? Well, step right up and give it a tug. But, I'm warning you, I bet it keeps coming up "Go to hell, Shakira."
- Dr. Cox: It was luck.
- J.D.: What?
- Dr. Cox: The thing that you forgot? Turns out, whatever you know about medicine, ultimately, luck or fate or God or... who knows what is always gonna end up playing a much bigger role in the whole thing than you and I ever will. Hell, it was lucky you were watching that show the other night. And it was unlucky that your patient went the other way, even though you did absolutely everything right; and, for the record, you did. I was looking over your shoulder every step of the way.
- J.D.: Thanks.
- Dr. Cox: Wasn't a favor, Newbie. It was my job.
- J.D.: How the hell did my patient die? I mean, you started corticosteroids, I started corticosteroids; you did plasmapheresis, I did plasmapheresis; you yelled at Mark the orderly, I yelled at Mark the orderly. Hey, Mark.
- Mark the Orderly: [sarcastically] "Hey, Mark!"
- J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] See? He's pissed!
- Dr. Cox: That's because his name is Frank.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Well, you asked me to estimate how much time you had left!
- Mr. Bragin: And you told me I'd be dead by now!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Well, you're not! So sue me!
- Mr. Bragin: I am!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: It was a figure of speech!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what, Mr. Bragin? I figured something out.
- Mr. Bragin: That damn nurse broke my bed.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: That's just it - you blame everyone else for anything that goes wrong in your life. Like this. The nurse didn't break your bed. You just press this button.
- [She snatches the controller out of his hand and pushes the button. Nothing happens]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: All right, it is... broken. The point is, if you hate your job, maybe you need to switch careers; if you can't get into a relationship, maybe you have problems with commitment, huh? And I know that I'm right, 'cause I'm the exact same way: I blame my parents for not preparing me for the real world, I blame this hospital for taking up all of my time; I'm even blaming you for jeopardizing my future! But, you know what? It's time for me to grow up and start holding myself accountable. And I'm doing it.
- Mr. Bragin: [smiling] Good for you!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: You're, um, still suing me, aren't you.
- Mr. Bragin: Yeah. But I feel like now you'll be able to handle it!
- J.D.: [Voice over] I think patients are like snowflakes - no two are alike.
- Nurse Roberts: All right, we've got two new admissions - both male, both mid-forties, both with thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura.
- J.D.: [Voice over] I bet that snowflake thing is bogus, too.