Scrubs (TV Series)

My Faith in Humanity (2005)

Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian

Quotes 

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Just go, Jake! No one here knows your last name -- if anything happens, he'll never be able to find you. Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand -- which, incidentally, is ten thousand miles EAST of Australia, and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.

  Jake : You've been brushing up on New England.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Kelso reassigns a doctor on the whiteboard]  Dr. Kelso, you can't do that.

  Dr. Bob Kelso : I didn't. Your friend Turkleton did. And I can do whatever I want.

  [Doodles a curly marker mustache on J.D. and laughs] 

  Dr. Bob Kelso : You look ridiculous.

  Dr. Christopher Turk : [He leaves, Turk enters]  I thought we were doing mustaches on Sunday?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I didn't do this, Kelso did!

  Dr. Christopher Turk : You invited Kelso to Mustache Sunday?

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Can you believe this guy?

  Dr. Bob Kelso : Son, look around. There's an old man with Alzheimer's who no one bothers to come visit. This morning I had a chat with a woman who refuses to stop using cocaine even though she's six months pregnant. And just last week I saw an older woman fall and break her hip because some guy was too busy to hold the door open for her!

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Sir, you laughed and pointed when she fell.

  Dr. Bob Kelso : I didn't say it wasn't funny; I just said it happened.

• Jake : I can't believe this is happening.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Everything's gonna be fine, you just trust me.

  Ted : [Ted arrives]  Is that him?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.

  Ted : Mark my words, Jake! We're gonna take every last cent you have!

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : No, no, Ted, we're on his side.

  Ted : [Pulling something from his jacket]  Oh. Here's my card.

  Jake : This is a Post-It.

  Ted : I don't get real cards until I win a case.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Go take a nap, Ted.

  Jake : [Ted leaves]  He spelled "attorney" wrong.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Takes the Post-It]  "Buy Groceries. Kill Self."

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Voice over]  Still, finding an apartment has not been easy.

  [Out loud] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I'm so sorry about your father. I'm sure he lived a wonderful life at...

  [reading chart] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : 14 Maple Drive, Apartment 4B. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive?

  [the couple leaves] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Ever mention any hot neighbors?

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Look, this woman is alone, she's depressed, and for some reason she feels like she's connected with you.

  Jake : Look, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't know what to say.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : That's great! Keep it light! Open with a joke, and before you know it you and your raft will be on a four-hour trip to New Zealand!

  Jake : No, it's more like fourteen hours.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Voice over]  Oh no. You're dangerously close to revealing that geography is your Achilles heel. Say something smart to regain credibility.

  [Out loud] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Vasovagal syncope is mediated by the autonomic nervous system. And Betty needs you, pal. She does! Come on, do it. You'll feel good, trust me.

  Jake : Trust you? You don't even know where New Zealand is.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : You can dance your way there from Old Zealand.

  Jake : You an idiot?