- Alec Baldwin: Only Steve Martin has hosted more times than I have, he's hosted thirteen times. But when you consider that he first hosted in 1976, and I first hosted in 1990, the fact that he only has beaten me by one is fairly embarrassing for him. Not that I care... Eh, John Goodman's hosted twelve times, but he's not here tonight, so... point for me. Eh, Tom Hanks has hosted seven times, but he'll never catch me because he's too busy being a big Oscar-winning national treasure, and I'm, uh... here for the twelfth time.
- Tony Bennett: Let me ask you a question, Dick, have you ever tried using them Post-'em Notes? They really help keep me from having things fly right out of my noggin. You know what I'm saying?
- Dick Cheney: I... have used them from time to time, yes.
- Tony Bennett: Yeah, I think they're just great. What really pops my cork is that they don't seem that sticky, but darn if they don't stay just as long as you ask them to.
- Dick Cheney: They, uh... they, they really stay put.