Saturday Night Live (TV Series)

Steve Martin/The Blues Brothers (1978)

Dan Aykroyd: Elwood Blues, Weekend Update Anchor, Various

Quotes 

• Dan Aykroyd : Uh... authorities have, uh, issued a marijuana alert, because in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders, uh, from the U.S. State Department, with deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh... an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. And as a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris... uh... uptown to... uh... see if... uh... we could get some, uh... some dope, so we, we can show you how to test it. Uh... do you have the stuff?

  Garrett Morris : Uh... yeah...

  Dan Aykroyd : Okay...

  [slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him] 

  Dan Aykroyd : Great man, here's some bread... Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at Weekend Update advocate the smoking of marijuana. It's just that a survey shows that 97 per cent of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it's for, uh... that minority that, uh... we're doing this test.

  [examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett] 

  Dan Aykroyd : This, uh... this looks light... Uh, we're gonna show you that test in a minute. It's really light, man, what's the story?

  Garrett Morris : No, no, man, it's cool.

  Dan Aykroyd : It's light, it's light, give me the rest of the lid, man.

  Garrett Morris : Look, look, look, look, it's clean, man... no seeds, no stems, that's all.

  Dan Aykroyd : It's light, it's under, man. It's under, it's under...

  Garrett Morris : Look man, I can't go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.

  Dan Aykroyd : I'm sorry, Garrett, this is the third you've short-changed us. Everybody here is gonna get really mad...

  Garrett Morris : Please, man, don't make me go back up there. They're gonna beat me up again, man, I know it...

  [inches away from the Update desk] 

  Dan Aykroyd : We'll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.

  Dan Aykroyd : [later on]  Uh... recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. In what appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late Update correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.