- O.J. Simpson: [during his monologue, wearing a Conehead] I don't know if I'm gonna be man enough to meet this challenge. I just... I just hope that if I don't meet it tonight and have to go back to being just a regular superstar/athlete/moviestar, that you people may remember me for what I was and not for what I may become here tonight.
- Laraine Newman: [O.J. is only wearing a towel around his neck as Laraine Newman interviews him a male locker room] O.J. I don't know much about football, but I know what like. Eh Jane, I swear I've never seen anything like this before. I don't really have any questions prepaired, O.J., but, eh, how long do you think you'll continue to play the game?
- O.J. Simpson: Well Jane, I mean Laraine...
- [Laraine glances skeptically at the camera]
- O.J. Simpson: I'm not quite ready to quit now. I really plan on having a 10 to 12 year career.
- Laraine Newman: [Laraine is looking down at O.J.'s manhood] That's odd, I would have guessed more about 11 to 12.
- Laraine Newman: [rounding up her locker room interview] Well thanks for being so open with us, O.J. I'm very excited to be here and,
- [glancing down again]
- Laraine Newman: from the looks of things it seems the feeling is mutual. Laraine Newman reporting, back to you Dan.
- O.J. Simpson: You know, you're a pretty beautiful woman, huh. Why don't you join Sandy and Marie and I after the show?
- Phyllis George: [blushing] All three of us? Won't you be a little tired after all that exercize, Juice?
- O.J. Simpson: Hey, my mouth don't write no checks my body can't cash.
- Announcer: [voice over during end credits] This is O.J. Pardo. The O.J is for Only Joking. Goodnight...