- Judge Ito: [enchanted by Mona Lisa Vito] You know, I was thinking about buying a new car.. Maybe, uh.. you could give me a little help?
- Marcia Clark: Objection.
- Judge Ito: [shouting] Shut up, Miss Clark!
- Jimmy: All right. Here we go. Now, the first thing I like to do is locate Patti's breasts... and, howdy-do, there they are, right where they should be.
- Tim Meadows: I swear to God, there are only a few things that really get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism and no hockey! So, come on, you owners and players, I need my hockey. Like I need air or water or food or clothing or whatever. You don't want to make me mad. Because when I get mad, I get stomach pains. Back to you, Norm.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Seventy per cent of diners polled this week said there should be no smoking in restaurants. And eighty percent of diners said that restaurants should give away their food for free.
- Judge Ito: Could you say "rear" again, Miss Vito? It's very cute!
- Mona Lisa Vito: Of course, your Honor! Rea-ah!