- [first lines]
- Miles Goodman: [to new cardboard figure] You're perfect.
- Roxie King: [entering] And I was worried you'd never meet anybody. Who's the lucky girl?
- Miles Goodman: This is no girl. This is a woman. The lovely and talented Adrienne Barbeau. Star of the 1982 classic, Swamp Thing.
- Roxie King: This will be a first. Watching you get rejected by cardboard. Goodman, you're a freak!
- Miles Goodman: To you. To the 1,200 guys I outbid on E-Bay, I'm a god.
- Sabrina Spellman: [practicing by herself] Welcome to Chick Chat. I'm Sabrina Spellman, the world's worst radio host.
- Salem Saberhagen: [unexpected audience] You're being kind.
- Sabrina Spellman: Salem, what are you doing here?
- Salem Saberhagen: I'm a nose hair away from being replaced by the hound from hell. I need a shoulder to cry on.
- Sabrina Spellman: You picked the wrong shoulder.
- Sabrina Spellman: [rambling on radio] Great topic, mothers and sons, very complex relationships. From Oedipus to MacBeth to My Mother The Car. Speaking of cars, have you seen the new gas-electric hybrids? They're to die for. To Die For, great movie. Did you know Nicole Kidman's from Australia? Did you know that's where the duck-billed platypus is from? By the way, did you know the duck-billed platypus is the only mammal that can lay an egg?
- [Roxie tries to intervene]
- Sabrina Spellman: Besides the mammal that's laying one right now. So, I'm not very good at this. Let's go to a musical break.
- Roxie King: Good idea.
- [as Sabrina removes her gift of gab]
- Roxie King: Sabrina, what do you think you're doing?
- Sabrina Spellman: Trying to be something I'm not.
- Phil the Dog: No, don't leave me with these losers! One's as dumb as dirt, and the other one has the personality of a limp noodle!