- Dan Rowan: Don't you think it's about time you started acting like a grown man?
- Dick Martin: You should've seen me last night, hahaha!
- Bobby Darin: You know Judy, the metal ball of this pen is made of the same super hard substance that's used in the nosecone of the United States moon rockets.
- Judy Carne: Hm. Does that help the pen?
- Bobby Darin: No, but if the moon was made of butter, the rocket could write on it.
- Jo Anne Worley: There's another moon rocket butter joke!
- Kirk Douglas: I'm sharing a dressing room with one of the stars. Have you ever showered with a Drelb?
- Goldie Hawn: And now a sneak preview of the news twenty years from now. And here to preview it is our head sneak, Dan Rowan!
- Kirk Douglas: You know, if Kirk Douglas married Phyllis Kirk, and she divorced him and married Douglas Fairbanks Jr, and married Justice William O'Douglas, she'd be Phyllis Kirk Kirk Douglas Douglas Douglas.
- [pause]
- Kirk Douglas: Hey guys, save that for Gorshin.
- Dan Rowan: What are you reading, Judy?
- Dick Martin: One of them racy novels?
- [naughty chuckle]
- Judy Carne: Well if you must know, it's Ullysss, the Greek Saga.
- Dan Rowan: No, no, Ullyses the Epic Poem.
- Judy Carne: It may be an epic poem to you, but it's saga to me.
- [realizing]
- Judy Carne: Oh no, what did I say?
- [Judy is doused by a bucket of water and dropped through a trap door]
- Dan Rowan: Well, just off hand, folks, I'd say It's sock it to me time.
- Ruth Buzzi: Knock Knock!
- Henry Gibson: Who's there?
- Ruth Buzzi: Boo.
- Henry Gibson: Boo who?
- Ruth Buzzi: Well, if you're gonna cry about it, I won't play.
- Bobby Darin: Wasn't it Raquel Welch who said, "A place for everything and everything in it's places"?
- Dave Madden: You know what puzzles me? If horse racing is the Sport of Kings, what's the Sport of Queens?