- Jackie: [Darlene asks Jackie to tell Roseanne for her, that she wants to go away to school] All right, I'll do it. But when you're a famous writer, I want you to dedicate your first novel to your "incredibly brave Aunt Jackie, whose brutal death made this book possible."
- David Healy: [just had sex for the first time] We did it! We finally did it!
- Darlene: You're not going to, like, high-five me are you?
- Darlene: Please, Jackie. I was gonna run away, but I don't need Rozilla leveling Chicago trying to find me.
- Dan: I'm watching the TV to look for job ideas. So far, I've got it narrowed down to 'weather man', 'spokesmodel', 'Time-Life operator', 'Psychic Friend', and the one I think I've got the best shot at... 'Castaway'.
- David Healy: [about their first time] It was incredible, wasn't it?
- Darlene: Well, I don't have anything to compare it to, but I think we did pretty good.
- Leon Carp: [to Roseanne] No, wait a minute. Something is different here. Have you lost weight? No... you've lost teeth! Bumpkin works for you.
- Roseanne: [crying into a tissue] I'm a lousy mother, aren't I, Jackie?
- Jackie: [tenderly and softly] Nooooo. You're a great mother! You're loving, and protective. You're like one of those mother lions in the nature films, that carries her babies around by the back of the neck. 'Cept sometimes ya get a little rough, and you rip their heads off.
- Darlene: This is like, the most important thing that's ever happened to me. I can't turn it down.
- David Healy: Fine. You just remember, you're leaving behind the guy who encouraged you to go to art school. You're leaving behind the guy you lost your virginity to, and you're leaving him behind with your two huge, angry parents!
- Dan: [about why Dan takes a job that he doesn't consider to be a 'dream job'] Honey, when I can't afford to keep my wife in teeth, I know it's time to become an adult.