- D.J.: [besides playing video games] There's nothing else to do.
- Jackie: Aw, sure there is! When your Mom and I were your age, kids used to ride their bikes all over, and build tree forts, and dress up dogs in funny clothes... all kinds of stuff.
- D.J.: Fine. I'll go outside if I have to.
- Roseanne: Dress up dogs?
- Jackie: Yeah, the little white dog with a black eye.
- Roseanne: That wasn't us! That was "The Little Rascals"!
- Roseanne: [on the phone with Crystal, trying to plan an evening out] Crystal, well we're supposed to go out tonight... I can't believe you've known about it for a week, and you still haven't even found a babysitter yet... Well, there's got to be some responsible teen-age girls out there. Let me ask Becky or Darlene. Maybe they know somebody... Okay, I'll call you back later. Bye.
- Jackie: Can't find anybody she trusts, huh.
- Roseanne: Nope, she might have to end up leaving them kids with her husband.
- Crystal Anderson-Conner: Well, we all do what we have to do to get by. Well, once I called the company that makes those instant potatoes, and told them I found a human hand in the box. And the scary thing was, they did not sound surprised.
- Mark Healy: [drunk as a skunk, at the Lobo, and being picked up by Dan] You're okay Dan. You're my man. My man Dan. Dan the man. Dan, Dan, the Dan Man. Okay, now you do one with, ah, my name.
- Dan: How 'bout this. Mark, Mark, you puke in my truck and I'll kill ya.
- Dan: [sitting at the kitchen table with his poker buddies, talking to Becky and Darlene] Hey, pizza sounds great! You guys up for a pizza?
- [poker buddies give a collective, "Yeah!", "Great!"]
- Dan: [to Becky and Darlene] You guys go on back upstairs, and I'll... I'll order it, and I'll call you when it gets here.
- Darlene: [to Becky] Oh, right. By the time he calls us, all that will be left is what's stuck to their shirts.
- Art: You gotta lie to your wife once in a while. I mean, ah, if just once I'd said, "Hunny, I don't mind that you're sleeping with my business partner"... I'd still be married.
- Dan: [about wives] Well, they lie to us too. Last year Roseanne smashed up the front of my truck, and swore it happened while it was parked at the mall.
- Ray: Oh, that's an old one.
- Arnie Thomas: Man, did you call her on it, Dan.
- Dan: What, and waste all that guilt? To this day, when I mention how good my truck used to look, I get chocolate cake for dessert. If I squeeze out a couple of tears...
- Dan: [finger snap, snap] Cool Whip.
- Dan: [after Mark calls Dan a friend for not telling Becky that he got drunk] Let me correct a few points here. I am Becky's father. By definition, therefore, not your friend. Secondly, I am your boss, which still makes me, not your friend. So in my official capacity as 'not your friend', let me tell you how it's gonna be here from now on. I ever catch you under the influence again, not only are you finished with Becky, you're out of a job.
- Dan: I picked up the tab for those stitches.
- Mark Healy: I'll pay you back.
- Dan: Yes, you will. But until then, I own them... which means I can rip them out any time I want.
- Jackie: [talking about what happened at the Lobo] One of the drivers I work with was there. He said Mark got really drunk. He put his hand through the jukebox, and Dan had to go down there and smooth everything over.
- Roseanne: So, thaaaat's what's going on. I kneeeew I was busting Dan's chops for somethin'! I just didn't know what.