- [Roseanne and Jackie break into the competing diner. Roseanne tries to plant a dead fish in the exhaust hood over the stove and gets stuck]
- Jackie Harris: How! How did you get stuck!
- Roseanne: By my boobs! They folded down on the way up, then they locked - like those toggle bolts!
- Jackie Harris: [panicing] I will - I'll get you out! I *will* get you out! Just - I - I know! I - I'll turn on the stove, and then the metal in the vent will expand.
- Roseanne: [hysterically] I'm standing on the stove! It's amazing to have your head stuck in a vent, and still not be the *stupidest* person in the room!
- Roseanne: [a new diner has opened up across the street and it has a salad bar] A salad bar! Huh. Well obviously they're not from around here. This is - this is a loose meat kind-of-a town. We are not some California tofu-eating, nordic-tracking freaks that wanna live past 50!
- [first lines]
- David Healy: Mrs. Conner, have you seen this book? This is everything you need to know about your baby.
- Roseanne: I don't need a book, I watch Kathy Lee. All I want is a book that'll teach my kid to kick her Cody's *ass*.
- David Healy: Mrs. Conner, I know you want to compete with that new restaurant, but you can't have me draw little red hearts next to the chili-cheese fries and call it the light and healthy menu!