Red Dwarf (TV Series)
Tikka to Ride (1997)
Craig Charles: Lister
Photos
Quotes
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[the Dwarfers, while time traveling, inadvertently knock the gunman out of the Texas School Book Depository window during the JFK assassination]
Lister : Hey, what's going on down there? What're all those people doing gathered around that giant pizza?
Kryten : That is *not* a giant pizza, sir.
Lister : It's 8 foot across, man - you don't think that's giant? What kind of pizza house have you been going to? The Fat-Bastard-o-ria?
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Lister : Dallas? Wasn't that the place where that American king got assassinated?
Rimmer : JFK?
Lister : No. It was John something, not "Jeff Kay"!
Rimmer : JAY-F-K! Not Jeff Kay, you gimboid... like the airport! I did a paper on him at school.
Lister : I wonder why anybody would want to name their kid after an airport...
Rimmer : The airport was named after the President!
Lister : Alright!
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Lister : Oh, life without curry. That's like Laurel without Hardy; the Lone Ranger without... that Indian bloke.
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Rimmer : And you thought causality didn't matter? Every action we take has trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?
Kryten : I haven't forgotten, sir, I just didn't care, I've got no guilt.
Lister : Ah. I nicked Kryten's body, that's spare head 2, and I removed his guilt chip.
Rimmer : *You* have altered the course of civilization from the 20th century onwards. You've brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of all...
Lister : I know, I know, I still haven't had a curry!
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[extended version]
Lister : It's nothing to you guys, is it? Curries are my life!
[pause]
Lister : Gosh some of the nights. I remember once on planet leave on Orion. I drank a yard of Vindaloo sauce, right out of one of those long glass tubes, then went out on the pool. It was a bet.
Kryten : It is impossible for mechanoids to vomit, sir. I believe it is safe for you to continue
Lister : There was this club: "The Crazy Astro". I started dancin' with this space girl there. She couldn't hear in there.
Rimmer : Fido was it? Lassie possibly?
Lister : She was very attractive actually, Rimmer: very short skirt, little ankle bracelet. Took our her chewing gun before she ate her chicken in the basket. You know, class. All right, she had teeth that looked like six half open garage doors, but it was nothing a cosmetic surgeon couldn't fix in ten minutes
The Cat : So what happened?
Lister : I went over to her, leant in close, asked her to dance. For a few seconds she didn't answer.
The Cat : She was probably concussed. A yard of Vindaloo sauce? You must've had breath that could shear sheep.
Lister : We started to snuggle up...
Kryten : Hmm... I'm not sure I want to hear any more of this.
Lister : Then all of a sudden, a rumbling in me stomach. All I can remember is runnin'... across the dance floor... through the crowd... just made it.
The Cat : So, you didn't get off with her?
Lister : The only thing *I* got off was the loo about six hours later. When I got back to the dance floor, everyone was gone. They had to wait for me, to lock the club. Huh! Nearly put me off curries for life. In fact, I didn't have another one until the following night.
Rimmer : What an *enchanting* little tale! Well if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to glub a couple of yards of vindy sauce. Then, if we *do* happen to chance across 'Planet of the Snooty Sex Sirens', I can't miss.
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Lister : [after watching President Kennedy walk away] Smeg! I forgot to ask if there were any curry houses in Dallas!
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Spare Head 2 : [finding himself on Kryten's body] My heavens - I'm head head!
Lister : Shhhhh! It's only temporary.
Spare Head 2 : [softly] I don't understand.
Lister : Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt. Kryten said "no way", what do *you* say?
Spare Head 2 : I can't go behind Kryten's head, what would he say if he found out? It's deceitful, wrong, and dishonest.
[he pauses, glances around conspiratorially]
Spare Head 2 : I'm in! Those are emotions I've *longed* to experience!
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Cat : So am I right in thinking there's a chance I could get a major nuclear explosion all over this suit? Because I'm telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean.
Rimmer : Back to Starbug.
Kryten : Starbug isn't there, it doesn't exist.
Rimmer : How come?
Kryten : Best guess: Kennedy's impeachment traumatized the American nation, allowing the U.S.S.R to win the space race. In this reality, it was probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon.
Cat : So we're marooned?
Lister : How was I to know a chicken vindaloo was gonna cause all this?
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Lister : [Extended version] How can the same guy be an icon in one reality and a criminal in the next, for doing exactly the same things?
Rimmer : In one reality he wasn't caught.
Lister : But was he a good guy or was he not a good guy?
Rimmer : Both.
Kryten : Somewhere along the way, just like me he discarded his behavior protocols and disabled his guilt chip: power corrupts.
Lister : Is that true, Kryten? Can you be two things simultaneously?
Kryten : Take you, sir. In some ways you're bright, sensitive and caring. And in other ways you're an irresponsible, curry-obsessed moron.
Lister : Thanks, Kryts, that's... wow, yeah.
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John F. Kennedy : I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my days in the White House. In all important respects I believe I did a good job. It was right to plan the pull-out of Vietnam, ah, to fight for civil rights and ah, to fight Congress to ah, put a man on the moon. It was uh, wrong, however, to, ah, act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies to wreak havoc on our nation.
Lister : But I can help, man. I mean, Mr. President, man. I mean, sir?
John F. Kennedy : How, ah, can you help?
Lister : Well, come with us back to Dallas, November '63. Be a second gunman. The gunman behind the grassy knoll.
John F. Kennedy : You mean... assassinate *myself*?
Lister : Yeah. It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy but, they'll never figure it out.
John F. Kennedy : But I, ah, still have a future here. Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get out I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world.
Lister : You see this airport; "Idlewild Airport"? In our reality they renamed it "JFK", after you. Where I come from, you're a liberal icon. And that's the person you should be. But if you're be that person, you're gonna have to sacrifice your life.
John F. Kennedy : And only then will my reputation be restored in history?
Lister : Mmm-hmm. And I can get a smeggin' curry.
John F. Kennedy : [wistfully] Ask not what your country can do for you... ask what you can do for your country.
Lister : Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that.
John F. Kennedy : It did. Heh.
