Norm MacDonald: Norm Henderson

Quotes 

• Norm Henderson : [upon seeing Shelly arrive at the party with a date]  Oh my, God - she brought a guy. Didn't you tell her not to bring a guy? Even I knew not to bring a guy!

  Laurie Freeman : I'm sorry! I didn't know she was seeing anybody right now. Wow - he's old.

  Shelly : Norm, Laurie, I'd like you to meet Avery. He's the Dean of the English department over at NYU.

  Norm Henderson : Ho, ho, well, it's a very impressive position. I guess that's one of the rewards of out-living all your contemporaries, right?

• Shelly : Okay, look, Norm, I know you're upset because I turned you down, but I hope you're not planning on spending the entire evening taking it out on my date.

  Norm Henderson : Look, it's so obvious what you're doing, you know? Obviously you had some problems with young guys, so you went down to the VFW, and ah, you said, "Hey! You got anybody from World War I here!", I'd like to...

  [trails off] 

• Norm Henderson : [standing in front of a faded-blue background talking to the viewers, with white square that says "TV 14 D" on it]  Hi, I thought tonight would be a good time to show you exactly how these ratings work.

  [another white box with "TV G" appears on screen] 

  Norm Henderson : For example, I can get this to change

  [points at it] 

  Norm Henderson : if I say "Hell". Doesn't even change for Hell. What a world, huh, folks? I guess I have to say something rougher like "ass".

  [the box changes to "TV PG"] 

  Norm Henderson : Then it becomes a TV PG. There's also ratings for violence...

  [picks up a green glass bottle and breaks it over his head; the box changes again to "TV PG V"] 

  Norm Henderson : And suggestive dialogue. You know what I'm saying, folks? Sugestive?

  [another change makes it "TV PG VD"] 

  Norm Henderson : Oh, hey, VD!

  [it changes to "TV PG VDS"] 

  Norm Henderson : And that brings us to "S", for sexual situations. Thank you, enjoy the show.

• Max Denby : Norm, I have to talk to you about a very delicate matter...

  Norm Henderson : Oh! Sir, this isn't about your period again, is it, sir?

  [stands up] 

  Norm Henderson : Because as I've explained, sir, that's not a curse, it's the full-flowering of your womanhood, you know that!

  Max Denby : It's about Taylor, I-I-I I want you to watch her; I think she may be turning tricks again.

  Norm Henderson : Oh! Oh! Say no more, sir...

  [pulls out his wallet] 

  Norm Henderson : What do you need? Two, three-hundred bucks?

  Max Denby : Norm, she's a mess! Norm, oh no, she's a mess! I-I she looks like she's been up all night. I think she may have fallen off the hookerwagon.

  Norm Henderson : Mr. Denby, Mr. Denby, come on now. They haven't called it the hookerwagon in years. PIMPmobiles is what they call it now!