- Roz Russell: [at Dan's "funeral"] The Dan Fielding I knew was a self centered, egotistical, bootlicking, no-good sack of slime in a $500 suit. His every action had an ulterior motive: if Dan gave you the shirt off his back you could bet that his pants and underwear would soon follow.
- [Dan must perform an operation on Kista for a hand-injured doctor]
- Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.
- Dan Fielding: All right... there! That wasn't so bad.
- Dr. Gordon Mooney: Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.
- Dan Fielding: Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really...
- [gasp]
- Dan Fielding: Ugh! Blood!
- Dr. Gordon Mooney: [annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?
- Dan Fielding: [Dan, stuck with a small tribe of Eskimos in the arctic, has just finished performing surgery on an Eskimo woman. He's alone and reflecting on his lifestyle, praying that she survives] If you let Kista live, I promise I'll try to be a little better.
- [pause]
- Dan Fielding: Oh, if you happen to get around to it...
- [yells]
- Dan Fielding: Would you get me the hell out of here?
- [Phil arrives at Dan's funeral with a framed letter]
- Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: What's this, Phil?
- Phil Sanders: It's a copy of Dan's favorite letter to Penthouse. I had it framed, I think Dan would have wanted it this way.
- Roz Russell: [reading the letter] I know Dan would have wanted it this way.
- [Dan has exposed Kista's appendix to view]
- Dan Fielding: Bright red.
- Dr. Gordon Mooney: That means it's inflamed. It's got to come out for sure. Now, first you have to clamp down on it.
- Dan Fielding: Clamp.
- [Namilama puts a clam in his hand]
- Dan Fielding: No, no, *clamp*!
- [She gets it right]
- Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, just be careful. You cut in the wrong place, and it's curtains for Kista.
- [Ahkpa taps Dan's shoulder with a fishing spear]
- Ahkpa: [smiling and shaking his head] No pressure.