- [the doorbell rings at the Sheffield mansion]
- Fran Fine: Oh, that's Val. You know, it's her first time to the mansion and she's my best friend, so I just want her to drop dead.
- Niles: How thoughtful. I'll leave, you pose.
- [as Niles gets and opens the door, Fran strikes a pose for Val]
- Val Toriello: [with a look of amazement on her face as she enters the mansion] I'm droppin' dead.
- Niles: [to Fran] Mission accomplished.
- Maxwell Sheffield: [rushing off to work, Brighton's repeating him] Brighton, don't be so smart,
- [Gracie has her mouth stuffed with an orange piece]
- Maxwell Sheffield: Gracie dear, take smaller bites, and Maggie
- [Maggie has a towel over her head for an acne treatment]
- Maxwell Sheffield: try to be a bit more outgoing.
- [leaves]
- Brighton Sheffield: Well, he's got my vote for Father of the Year.
- Brighton Sheffield: He never has time for us.
- Grace Sheffield: Maybe Daddy's seeing other children!
- Fran Fine: Let's not be paranoid.
- Grace Sheffield: I'm not paranoid... who said I was?
- Maxwell Sheffield: Brighton was caught smoking.
- Yetta Rosenberg: Smoking? Bad!
- Brighton Sheffield: But you smoke.
- Yetta Rosenberg: Me it doesn't effect, I'm like a horse. But you know what smoking can do to you? Come, let's meet Ethel, phlegm in a hair net!
- [drags Brighton off]
- Brighton Sheffield: Oh no, not Ethel! Not Ethel!
- [to Maxwell and Fran]
- Brighton Sheffield: I swear I'll never smoke again! Oh God!
- Fran Fine: I'm your granddaughter, Fran.
- Yetta Rosenberg: Oh Franny, nice to meet you.
- Fran Fine: One nice thing about senility, you're always meeting new people.
- Fran Fine: [Brighton teased Maggie about her having a pimple] Brighton, what's your problem?
- Brighton Sheffield: I guess I'm just bad to the bone.
- Fran Fine: Honey, you have no idea what bad is. Now the boys Val and I went to school with, they were bad, huh?
- Val Toriello: Oh, the worst!
- Fran Fine: Oy, and now they're all taken.
- Val Toriello: You remember Lenny?
- Fran Fine: Sure. Lenny Brown. Baddest man in the whole damn... Oh no, that was Leroy...
- Maxwell Sheffield: What have you got to say in your defense?
- Brighton Sheffield: I didn't inhale.
- Maxwell Sheffield: That is the most pathetically lame excuse in the world.
- Brighton Sheffield: [about his father not going to Brighton's school carnival] Well, he's got my vote for father of the year.
- Fran Fine: Now, now, he would if he could, but he can't. I mean, the man has to make a living, don't he? Well how else can we afford the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed?
- Fran Fine: [Brighton has been caught smoking] Brighton, smoking. Where would you ever even get an idea like that?
- Brighton Sheffield: From you.
- [Seeing a way out]
- Brighton Sheffield: Come to think of it.
- Fran Fine: Me?
- Brighton Sheffield: Bad, bad Lenny Brown.
- Fran Fine: What? Oh.
- [Realizing]
- Fran Fine: Oy.
- Brighton Sheffield: So, uh, maybe we should just keep this our little secret.
- Fran Fine: Wait a minute. Are you trying to blackmail me?
- Brighton Sheffield: Let's just say, if I'm going down, you're going down with me.
- Fran Fine: Who are you? Edward G. Robinson?
- Fran Fine: What was I thinking telling a story like that to a ten year old kid? On the other hand, if I told him to jump off the Empire State Building... Hello. That was my mother's voice that just crossed the Queensboro Bridge and flew out my mouth!
- Niles: But with such dulcet tones...
- Fran Fine: Oh boy! This is so typical of kids. You try and you try and what do you get? A slap in the face... Oy, my mother again. Niles, call an exorcist.
- Maxwell Sheffield: I need a Broadway star with huge stage presence who's instantly recognizable to the entire country.
- C.C. Babcock: [Carol Channing enters] Oh my god!
- Carol Channing: [Starting to sing "Hello Dolly!"] Hello...
- Maxwell Sheffield: Next!
- Carol Channing: [to Fran] He's tough.
- Fran Fine: You're telling me!
- Carol Channing: Break a leg, honey... His.
- Fran Fine: Oh, I could just cut my tongue out. So if you wanna fire me, do it now.
- Maxwell Sheffield: No, I'm not gonna fire you. Although that offer to cut out your tongue might have some merit...
- [pause]
- Maxwell Sheffield: Why, if you told Brighton to jump off London Bridge God... I'm beginning to sound just like my...
- Fran Fine: I know! Don't you hate when that happens?
- Fran Fine: [watching Yetta hack up from her smoking] Oy, Yetta, you sound like you're making espresso over there.
- Brighton Sheffield: All right, all right, I get the point.
- Brighton Sheffield: Oh no you don't, Bube. We're just getting started. Why don't you go visit with Yetta?
- Brighton Sheffield: [terrified, pointing to Yetta] Over there?
- Fran Fine: Yeah, where the air is nice and fresh.