My Family (TV Series)

Fitting Punishment (2003)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Ben : Hello.

  Susan : Hello.

  Ben : What are you doing?

  Susan : Choosing some wool.

  Ben : Good. What for?

  Susan : A cardigan for Janey's baby.

  Ben : Mm, good. Hang on, you can't knit.

  Susan : Are you saying I'll make a bad grandmother?

  Ben : No, I'm saying you'll make a bad cardigan.

• Ben : Old dentists don't retire, darling. They just recede, like rotting gums.

• [last lines] 

  [Ben has just poured himself a drink] 

  Ben : What the hell's this?

  Nick : Cold tea.

  Ben : Cold tea?

  Nick : Yeah. Little showbiz trick.

• Susan : What's wrong?

  Ben : I've had some bad news, I'm afraid. Mr Beamish died.

  Susan : Oh, I'm sorry.

  Ben : Yeah, I know. I know. I kind of miss him.

  Susan : Yes. Who's Mr Beamish?

  Ben : The chap who had the surgery upstairs.

  Susan : I didn't know there was anyone upstairs.

  Ben : That's why I'm going to miss him.

• Ben : Ah, Mikey! Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey!

  Michael Harper : My name's Michael.

  Ben : OK, I know! Big lad now - you don't want me to call you Mikey anymore?

  Michael Harper : I don't want you to talk to me at all.

• Michael Harper : I need to borrow the washing line tonight.

  Susan : Certainly, dear. What for?

  Michael Harper : Tying people up.

  Susan : You know, I really think the cadet force is making a man of him.

  Ben : Yeah. Unfortunately, that man is Benito Mussolini.

• Susan : What I'd thought we'd do is install a heated towel rail so the toilet will be toasty warm when Janey and the baby come to visit.

  Ben : So, let me get this straight. You want to install a heated towel rail on the off chance that an unborn baby of a child who never visits the house might be cold in a room that nobody uses.

  Susan : Is that a yes, then?

  Ben : It's a 'my wife's insane!'.

• Susan : Michael's learning new skills.

  Michael Harper : Yep. I've got the training. I've got the equipment. All I need now is the collapse of Western civilisation.

  Ben : Oh, kids today! They want everything now!

• Ben : [about Roger]  You'll never guess who turned up at the surgery today. That chirpy, irritating little pillock who...

  Roger Bailey : [Emerging from under the kitchen table]  Hello, Ben!

  Ben : [Unaware he was in the house]  Hello, Roger!

• Susan : Don't you think you owe it to Roger's father to treat his son like your own?

  Ben : Susan, I've got enough sons! I'm not taking another man's cast-offs!

• Roger Bailey : By the way, that Abi. Mmm... interesting girl.

  Ben : Don't even go there!

  Roger Bailey : Really? Why?

  Ben : [pause]  She used to be a man!

  Roger Bailey : How long ago?