Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man (2003)

Jason Gray-Stanford: Lieutenant Randy Disher

Quotes 

• [Lt. Disher enters Capt. Stottlemeyer's office] 

  Capt. Stottlemeyer : Lieutenant, why am I fielding calls about zoning regulations? Aren't you supposed to be protecting the quarterback?

  Disher : Your wife's here.

  Capt. Stottlemeyer : Okay... stall her.

  Disher : How?

  Capt. Stottlemeyer : I need a few minutes, just talk to her.

  Disher : Well, what does she like to talk about?

  Capt. Stottlemeyer : ...How I ruined her life.

  [while Disher stalls Karen, Stottlemeyer hurriedly stashes away his cigars, his pistol, and his stuffed duck, hangs a Native American dreamcatcher on his desk lamp, and finally sets up a miniature waterfall. Without any water to run it with, he fills it with coffee from a pot. Later, after Karen enters:] 

  Karen Stottlemeyer : You like the waterfall?

  Capt. Stottlemeyer : Yes.

  Karen Stottlemeyer : It's calming you down?

  Karen Stottlemeyer : Yep.

  Karen Stottlemeyer : [notices]  Is that coffee?

  Capt. Stottlemeyer : It's a "Coffeefall".

• Disher : [presenting an idea to Stottlemeyer]  Enrico Palamo - he was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.

  Disher : I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh my God.

  Disher : Somebody is killing record holders.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : You think we ought to warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or maybe we ought to put up a 24 hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees?

  Disher : I can never tell when you are being sarcastic.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I'm being sarcastic, Randy! Get the book out of here!

  Disher : Yes, sir.