- Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
- Ambrose Monk: Hello, we spoke on the phone.
- Adrian Monk: Oh, so you can dial a telephone! I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed, or something.
- Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
- Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
- Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. van Ranken, we'd like permission to search your pie.
- Pat van Ranken: What?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Please don't make me say that again.
- Adrian Monk: He was at the park all last night.
- Sharona Fleming: Maybe to bury something.
- Ambrose Monk: Yes, he was parked by the southern entrance.
- Sharona Fleming: How do you know that?
- Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
- Adrian Monk: Um...
- Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree...
- Sharona Fleming: Wow.
- Ambrose Monk: Which are found...
- Adrian Monk: Um...
- Ambrose Monk: Near water...
- Sharona Fleming: Wow.
- Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
- Sharona Fleming: Wow!
- Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
- Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
- Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.
- [after meeting Ambrose, Sharona hugs Monk]
- Adrian Monk: What's that for?
- Sharona Fleming: For making my family seem normal.
- Sharona Fleming: Well, at least you two are talking.
- Adrian Monk: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, because that is it! I am never setting foot in that house again, okay? I have my own problems!
- Sharona Fleming: Really? I never noticed.
- Adrian Monk: Okay, now you're being sardonic.
- Sharona Fleming: Ambrose... come with us!
- Ambrose Monk: Me? No, no, no.
- Sharona Fleming: You just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
- Ambrose Monk: That's my plan... yes.
- [Discussing their estranged father]
- Ambrose Monk: Why aren't you out there looking for him?
- Adrian Monk: Because I'm afraid I might find him.
- Sharona Fleming: You have a brother? What does he do?
- Adrian Monk: He writes instruction manuals for blenders... and toaster ovens.
- Adrian Monk: So, Ambrose, what am I...? Why am I here?
- Ambrose Monk: Believe it or not, I need your help. It's about my next door neighbor. His name is Pat van Ranken.
- Sharona Fleming: What about him?
- Ambrose Monk: I'm eighty-five to ninety percent sure that he killed his wife.
- [Monk and Sharona spy on van Ranken, rooting through the cherry pie]
- Adrian Monk: He's looking for something. Sharona, that's why he tripped! He didn't want to win the race, he was trying to come in second, he wanted the pie!
- Sharona Fleming: Why?
- Adrian Monk: Well, obviously, he...
- [he trails off, and looks around the corner at van Ranken again]
- Adrian Monk: You see, Sharona, what happened was...
- [he trails off again, and takes another look around the corner]
- Adrian Monk: I have no idea.
- Ambrose Monk: [about Adrian] You should have seen him. Going into stores and buying things all by himself when he was 15. Driving a car when he was 23. Going out on dates - going out on dates with women, at twenty-six years of age!
- Sharona Fleming: He's a regular Evel Knievel.
- [while sitting down to play bingo, a bingo addict carrying a troll doll turns to Adrian]
- Bingo Addict: Do you want to rub my lucky troll? It's good luck.
- Adrian Monk: Uh, no, thank you.
- Bingo Addict: Go ahead. Rub the troll.
- Adrian Monk: No thank you. Uh, I've been rubbing trolls all day.
- Bingo Addict: If you don't rub the troll, it's bad karma.
- [Adrian finally resorts to rubbing the troll with his shirt sleeve]
- [Stottlemeyer has come to Ambrose's house]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [noticing the stuffed filing cabinet] What's with the filing cabinet?
- Sharona Fleming: Mail.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mail?
- Sharona Fleming: 30 years worth of mail.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. That makes sense. Not to me, but...
- [Adrian interrupts]
- Lt. Randall Disher: [as Sharona digs through the cherry pie] Actually this is one of my fantasies. Except it's not a pie. And you're not in it.
- Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, you know what? Adrian's scared, too. All the time. But he doesn't let it stop him. Okay, now you tell me: what does he have that you don't have?
- Ambrose Monk: He has you.
- Sharona Fleming: [answers phone] Hello? No, I'm his assistant, Sharona Fleming. Who's this? Hold on.
- [to Monk]
- Sharona Fleming: Adrian? You have a brother?
- [pause; everyone looks up, surprised]
- Adrian Monk: No.
- Sharona Fleming: [into phone] I'm sorry, sir. You must have the wrong Adrian Monk.
- [She hangs up. Immediately, the phone starts ringing again]
- Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, don't answer it! I... I might have a brother.
- Sharona Fleming: You told me you were an only child.
- Adrian Monk: I consider myself an only child. Look, we're not close. He has issues.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [raised eyebrow] Your brother has issues?
- Adrian Monk: Don't you people have work to do? There's a dead woman over there!
- [as Adrian is leaving]
- Ambrose Monk: I love you.
- Adrian Monk: [stops] Don't... say that. Don't you say that. I'm no expert, but I know that people who love each other, who care about each other, don't go *seven years* without calling. Especially when I needed you most! After Trudy.
- Ambrose Monk: ...You think I didn't call because I didn't care?
- Adrian Monk: Then why? What happened to you?
- Ambrose Monk: Do you know why Trudy was in that parking garage on the day she died?
- Adrian Monk: What are you saying?
- Ambrose Monk: It was because of me.
- Adrian Monk: You?
- Ambrose Monk: She was doing me a favor. I needed cough medicine. I called her. I asked her to go...
- Adrian Monk: Oh, my God...
- Ambrose Monk: To the drugstore for me.
- Adrian Monk: Don't do this.
- Ambrose Monk: She wouldn't have been in that garage if it wasn't for me!
- Adrian Monk: Oh, Ambrose...
- Ambrose Monk: It was me, Adrian! It was me! It was my fault!
- Adrian Monk: No, no.
- Ambrose Monk: [sobbing] Adrian, it was my fault!
- Adrian Monk: No, it was *not* your fault.
- [Ambrose continues to cry, and Adrian hugs him]
- Ambrose Monk: I'm sorry... I'm sorry...
- Adrian Monk: It was not your fault.
- [Ambrose leads Adrian and Sharona into another room of the house]
- Sharona Fleming: What is this?
- Adrian Monk: Every newspaper since 1972.
- [Sharona groans]
- Ambrose Monk: I am as God made me.
- Sharona Fleming: Ambrose, come with us.
- Ambrose Monk: Oh, no, I can't.
- Sharona Fleming: You're just gonna hide inside this house for the rest of your life?
- Ambrose Monk: That's my plan, yes.
- Town Offical: [prize drawing at the potato sack raze] First prize is this brand-new stereo boombox!
- [the girl who came in first place comes up]
- Town Offical: Here you go, sweetheart.
- [He picks up the boombox and some of the speakers fall off, dangling by their cords]
- Town Offical: Uhh, we're going to get you a new one. Second prize is this delicious homemade cherry pie! Who came in second?
- Pat van Ranken: Right here.
- Town Offical: Here you go, sir!
- [hands the pie over to van Ranken]
- Town Offical: Bon appetit!