- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known fifteen thousand criminals in my lifetime. Here's what they all have in common: THEY'RE CONSCIOUS!
- Adrian Monk: Nonetheless.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, give me something else, any theory at all besides the coma guy. If-if you were to tell me that Howdy Doody was behind this, it would make more sense.
- Adrian Monk: [yelling] Howdy Doody? Why would Howdy Doody be sending people mail bombs? Wasn't he a puppet?
- Adrian Monk: [Dr Kroger is going on vacation for 3 weeks] Why didn't you tell me?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: I did. I told you every week for the past month, but I guess you just, um, blocked it out.
- Adrian Monk: Is that possible?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Apparently.
- Adrian Monk: I guess I did... I blocked it out. No problem, we'll talk about it on Thursday.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, he's a vegetable! He's not even a vegetable! He hopes one day to be a vegetable!
- [Monk and Sharona narrowly survived a bomb blast]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, they pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights three days ago.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Different post office, same type of explosive.
- Adrian Monk: [yelling] Well, don't use that bathroom, it's a mess!
- Sharona Fleming: You don't have to shout!
- Adrian Monk: [still yelling] Why are you whispering?
- Agent Grooms: Captain? D.A. won't hold Ricky Babbage, I was hoping this might change your mind?
- [no answer]
- Agent Grooms: Oh, you can't be serious. You still think Rip van Winkle's behind this?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We believe Brian Babbage is involved, yes. We just don't know how.
- Agent Grooms: And by "we", you mean you and your "consultant"?
- [They both look at Monk]
- Adrian Monk: [yelling, due to lingering auditory effects of the bomb blast] Yeah, I'm pretty sure Howdy Doody was a puppet!
- Agent Grooms: How was your career, Captain? Did you enjoy it?
- [to use a vacuum cleaner, Monk mistakenly unplugs Brian's respirator. When the alarms go off, Monk hurriedly plugs it back in]
- Adrian Monk: Okay, Brian, come back... Brian? Come back!
- [starts applying CPR]
- Adrian Monk: Okay, come on, you and me... you and me... you and me, all the way.
- [Nurse Stempel comes in and sees Monk on top of Brian Babbage, the second time in as many days that she has witnessed Monk in a seemingly compromising position with the comatose man, following a previous Monk-like misadventure]
- Adrian Monk: Almost... almost... almost!
- [the alarms stop]
- Adrian Monk: That's got it! That's got it...
- [turns and sees her]
- Adrian Monk: He's... he's good. I mean... he's great. I mean... he's, he's fine now.
- Lt. Randall Disher: You okay?
- Sharona Fleming: Yeah, just your basic mail bomb. No big deal.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I heard you're moving. New Jersey.
- Sharona Fleming: You gonna miss me?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Nah... well, maybe a little.
- Sharona Fleming: Do me a favor and call me sometime, to remind me why I left.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [smiles] I'll do that.
- Adrian Monk: Brian Babbage wanted to kill his brother and sister. He found a way to mail a bomb in May, but not have it be delivered until August. It was quite brilliant, really...
- Camole Swarma, Mailman: Yes, it was. Although by doing so, he violated two federal laws and a score of postal regulations.
- [off Monk's look]
- Camole Swarma, Mailman: Go on.
- [Brian Babbage rams his car into Stottlemeyer's and Disher's]
- Brian Babbage: Hey, cop! Kiss my ass!
- [Brian gives them the finger, and then takes off]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Dwayne] Don't move!
- [They jump into their car, as Dwayne ignores them and runs away]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into radio] All units, clear the air, we're in pursuit of a hit-and-run, he's eastbound on Union...
- Lt. Randall Disher: This is my first car chase. I've been waiting for this my whole life!
- [He doesn't even get the car in gear, before a truck hits Brian's car and sends it crashing into a parked car. Stottlemeyer unbuckles his seat belt and turns off the dashboard light]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What'd you think?
- [Sharona is holding a time bomb]
- Sharona Fleming: What is that?
- Adrian Monk: Light turned green.
- Ricky Babbage: [on the phone with the bomb squad] Light turned green... he says you have ten seconds, cut one of the wires!
- Adrian Monk: Which one?
- Ricky Babbage: Either one, it doesn't matter!
- Sharona Fleming: Oh, God...
- Adrian Monk: Blue... no, no, red...
- Sharona Fleming: Cut one, cut the blue one!
- Ricky Babbage: Five seconds!
- Adrian Monk: Why blue?
- Sharona Fleming: Oh, well cut the red one!
- Adrian Monk: You said blue!
- Ricky Babbage: Three seconds!
- Sharona Fleming: [screaming] ADRIAN, CUT ONE!
- Adrian Monk: I'LL CUT 'EM BOTH!
- [does]
- [Arriving at Brian Babbage's house, Sharona and Monk ring the doorbell. Maria opens the door, letting out sounds of a large party inside]
- Sharona Fleming: Uh, hi. This is Adrian Monk, I'm Sharona Fleming, we're helping the police with...
- Maria: [alarmed] He didn't wake up, did he?
- Sharona Fleming: ...No.
- Maria: [exhales] Oh, thank God. Come on in!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he's gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God!
- Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes. Somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?
- Sharona Fleming: I already had that idea.
- [to Monk]
- Sharona Fleming: Tell him.
- Adrian Monk: There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn't know he was gonna be in a coma.
- Sharona Fleming: It's not exactly something you can plan.
- Adrian Monk: Right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, so, Brian built the bomb... and then, Brian mailed the bomb... by himself.
- Adrian Monk: That's right.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...While he was in a coma.
- Adrian Monk: You gotta admit, it's a pretty good alibi. It's rock-solid.
- Camole Swarma, Mailman: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the messenger of evil. Who'd a thunk it?
- [first lines]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don't yank my chain.
- Dwayne: Look, I told you, I haven't seen him.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your cousin, he's your best friend.
- Dwayne: Yeah, and I don't know where he is!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
- Dwayne: Yeah, you sort of do.
- [Stottlemeyer raises an eyebrow]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, that's a mistake... you don't want to make him angry. I made him angry once, and you don't want to do that...
- Sharona Fleming: And by the time they were delivered, Brian had a perfect alibi.
- Agent Grooms: He put himself in a coma? That's his alibi? That's the stupidest plan I ever heard of! He came this close to killing himself.