- Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, we can sit here singing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life.
- Adrian Monk: [singing] If ever I would leave you...
- Adrian Monk: [police officers are investigating his home] If something spills, I want to be here.
- Sharona Fleming: Adrian, trust me... if something spills, you do not want to be here.
- Adrian Monk: That's a good point...
- Adrian Monk: [after accidentally wiping his hands with a cloth covered in oil] Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
- [Monk solves a murder in France, just by reading the newspaper]
- Adrian Monk: [on telephone] I think I know who killed Madame Beaudry.
- Captain Dupres: [skeptically] Oui, Monsieur Monk, what is your theory?
- Adrian Monk: I think her husband did it.
- Captain Dupres: Well, we suspected him from the beginning. But why did he cut off her hands?
- Adrian Monk: He must have used a pair of handcuffs from the museum to restrain her.
- Captain Dupres: I do not follow you.
- Adrian Monk: They were antique handcuffs, very distinctive, so they could easily have been traced back to him.
- Captain Dupres: Mon Dieu...
- Adrian Monk: He must have lost the key. So he was desperate, he had to get them off the body.
- Captain Dupres: Well, that makes sense! Lafitte, why didn't I think of that? Monsieur Monk, you are a genius! Perhaps someday, you will come to Paris so I can thank you in person.
- Adrian Monk: I cleaned last night.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Did you sleep at all?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He can sleep when he cleans. I've seen it.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you hear anything?
- Adrian Monk: What time was that?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 5:30 AM.
- Adrian Monk: Oh, no. I wouldn't have heard a thing.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sleeping?
- Adrian Monk: Nah. I was vacuuming.
- Heavyset Detective: [In Monk's apartment] Excuse me. Where's the bathroom?
- Adrian Monk: I don't have one.
- [closes bathroom door]
- Heavyset Detective: You don't have a bathroom?
- Adrian Monk: Don't get me started. I am still so angry at that architect.
- Malcolm Cowley: Is there a problem?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was reading about you in the newspaper.
- [Shows the copy of the paper to Cowley]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's you, isn't it? "It Just Wasn't His Day." It says here that you had two accidents in the course of ten minutes. First you hit a little tree, and then you drove another half a mile and hit a lamppost.
- Malcolm Cowley: That's right. Is that a crime?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. It is if you were in fact intentionally damaging your car so you would avoid having to explain a smashed-in grille. See, Mr. Monk found this other article.
- [turns to a front page article]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Hit-and-Run Driver Kills a Grandmother." Same neighborhood. Same approximate time. We thought there might be a connection.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [looking at Cowley's car's headlights] Captain. Blood.
- Heavyset Detective: [6:37] Excuse me. Where's the bathroom?
- Adrian Monk: I don't have one.
- Heavyset Detective: You don't have a bathroom?
- Adrian Monk: Don't get me started. I am still so angry at that architect.
- Sharona Fleming: [33:52] Adrian, Adrian! Sorry I'm late. I had to drop Benjy off.
- Adrian Monk: Sharona, it was right in front of us the whole time. Right on the front page!
- Sharona Fleming: The lottery?
- Adrian Monk: That's what this whole thing was about! $43 million dollar jackpot!
- Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Excuse me! Where is the justice of the peace?
- Kevin Dorfman: My first place, though, on 26 Harmony Lane, that was a studio. But what I did was, and you might want to write this down on a separate page for yourself, I put the bed up on a loft, to create some space.
- Sharona Fleming: [22:09] Can you move your hand?
- Lt. Randall Disher: I already looked through that section. Nothing in it.
- Sharona Fleming: Man with a badge in hot pursuit of romance. I'm 32, fit, sexy, ambitious, with a dynamite sense of humor. Oh, my god! That's you!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dynamite sense of humor? Since when?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Can I have that, please?
- Sharona Fleming: No. Looking for a petite blonde, no nonsense attitude, kids okay. That's me.
- [Nestor and Jose Alvarez are delivering newspapers. Nestor is killed]
- Jose Alvarez: Nestor! Why? For a newspaper?