Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger (2002)

Tony Shalhoub: Adrian Monk

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sharona Fleming : [about Sydney Teal]  Not exactly Batman.

  Adrian Monk : This guy, he was... What's the opposite of Batman?

  Sharona Fleming : You are.

• Sharona Fleming : I can't believe you folded like a cheap suit!

  Adrian Monk : Tent. For the record, I folded like a cheap tent.

• Willis : It's funny, you know. Mr. Teal had it all - more money than God, a beautiful wife - but he was the loneliest man on the planet. I was the chauffeur, and *I* felt sorry for him.

  Sharona Fleming : Feeling sorry for your boss? I can't imagine what that must feel like...

  Adrian Monk : Get in the car!

• Sharona Fleming : [cranky and tired of shopping for an exact replacement for Monk's recently broken lamp]  Adrian, what about this one? This is great.

  Adrian Monk : It's not silver. The other one was silver.

  Sharona Fleming : It's just a lamp. If you were blindfolded, you wouldn't know the difference.

  Adrian Monk : If I was blindfolded, why would I need a lamp?

• Sharona Fleming : Where's your wallet?

  Adrian Monk : I'm having it... you know, buffed.

• Dr. Charles Kroger : A drive-by shooting? Do they have any leads?

  Adrian Monk : Nothing on the bullets. They found the car a few blocks away. Stolen. A hundred percent clean. No prints.

  Dr. Charles Kroger : You know, you, you, you don't seem very upset.

  Adrian Monk : Well, it means I'm making someone very uneasy, and that's not such a bad thing.

  Dr. Charles Kroger : Well, Sh-Sharona must have been terrified.

  Adrian Monk : She quit. We had an argument about money. She took a job at a lamp store at Prospect Street. She'd rather sell lamps than work for me. Let me ask you something. Two weeks ago, she bought me this mug, it said "World's Greatest Boss". Are you allowed to do that-buy someone a mug and then just quit?

  Dr. Charles Kroger : Well see, I-I don't think mugs are legally binding, Adrian.

  [Monk chuckles] 

  Adrian Monk : I never had to think about money. Trudy used to pay all the bills.

  Dr. Charles Kroger : While we're on that subject, there-there is something that I have to say.

  Adrian Monk : Oh? Now, you see, this can't be good.

  Dr. Charles Kroger : Well, no. The-the-the-the-fact is that, um, you see, I haven't been paid for the past nine weeks, nine sessions. Now, that's a lot of money.

  Adrian Monk : Oh, my God. You're gonna leave me too.

  Dr. Charles Kroger : No, no, no. I did not say that, Adrian.

  Adrian Monk : I'm gonna be all alone. What a time to be me.

  Dr. Charles Kroger : Adrian, I promise you. No one is leaving you.

  Adrian Monk : Sharona did.

  [Monk gasps for air] 

  Dr. Charles Kroger : Are-are-are you okay?

  Adrian Monk : I hate owing you money. I just-I just hate it. Listen, until-until we get squared away, I'm gonna have to start seeing you twice a week.

• Adrian Monk : Captain! I see the circus is in town.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh, yes. It's gonna get a lot worse.

  Sharona Fleming : Captain, Adrian wants to talk to you about our fee.

  [Monk looks at Archie Modine, the shooter] 

  Adrian Monk : That the shooter?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, Archie Modine. He's an ex-cop. He was second lieutenant in Palo Alto. I already checked him out. He was a straight up good cop. Now he's the head of security at CK Pharmaceuticals.

  Sharona Fleming : Uh, Captain. About our fee, we want...

  Adrian Monk : Sharona.

  Sharona Fleming : We want to talk.

  Adrian Monk : Sharona, please.

  [to Stottlemeyer] 

  Adrian Monk : Walk me through it.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well it's pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece, .38 caliber. I already called. He's licensed.

  [pause] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Bang. Bang. Bang. Three in the chest.

  Adrian Monk : So I have just one question: What am I doing here?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Here comes the punch line: our perp... is Sidney Teal.

  Sharona Fleming : The computer guy?

  Adrian Monk : Get out of town.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Take a look.

  [lifts up the canvas covering the late Sidney Teal] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : That's what $5 billion looks like.

  Adrian Monk : Get out of town. What in God's name was he doing?

  [Stottlemeyer puts Teal's false mustache in an evidence bag] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I think maybe, that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.

  Adrian Monk : Yeah, I wouldn't know.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, right. Anyway, that's my theory. If you've got a better one, I'd really like to hear it.

  Adrian Monk : Well...

  Sharona Fleming : No. No. Captain, we can't start working until we talk about our fee.

  Adrian Monk : Sharona, could you give me a second here?

  [Sharona walks away] 

  Adrian Monk : You know, this is insane.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, it's crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out.

  [He uncovers Teal's leg] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : This guy's wearin' knee pads.

  Adrian Monk : Kneepads?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, and he's got elbowpads.

• Sharona Fleming : Why did you ask her about the glasses?

  Adrian Monk : So, I could tell which photographs were the most recent. There are about 200 pictures in that room. They documented everything.

  Sharona Fleming : And?

  Adrian Monk : No bungee jumping. No skydiving. The most exciting thing Sidney Teal's done in the last two years is go to Disneyland.

  Sharona Fleming : Not exactly Batman.

  Adrian Monk : This guy? He was-What's the opposite of Batman?

  Sharona Fleming : You are.