- Lt. Randall Disher: [after demonstrating his very unbelievable escape pod theory] It's just a theory.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I don't think so. I've heard theories before, and, uh, they don't sound like that.
- Natalie Teeger: [after hearing that both Monk *and* Steve Wagner are coming to Julie's career day] You're both coming? I'm going to be Class Mom of the Year!
- Lt. Randall Disher: [to Steve Wagner] Congratulations on your flight. And congratulations on the crash landing four years ago. And on marrying a figure skater.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Congratulations on your whole life.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, maybe you found a motive. Maybe. But it doesn't matter, and I'll tell you why. Because your suspect, Monk, was in outer space. He wasn't on this planet.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [makes a model of a spaceship] Here's the ship. And let's pretend this globe represents the Earth.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a globe. It *does* represent the Earth.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Which of your fears would you like to work on first?
- Adrian Monk: Glaciers.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Glaciers.
- Adrian Monk: No. Rodeos. Nah. Glaciers.
- [Monk and Natalie try to get Wagner to invite them to Paxton Air Force Base]
- Adrian Monk: Could we come, too? I'm a big aviation buff... fan.
- Natalie Teeger: So true!
- Adrian Monk: Fan or buff. I love airplanes.
- Natalie Teeger: Just crazy about the...
- Adrian Monk: Can't get enough of them.
- Natalie Teeger: ...the takeoff.
- Adrian Monk: And the wings and all.
- Natalie Teeger: And, uh, the... the...
- Adrian Monk: ...the rudder.
- Natalie Teeger: ...the landing. You wouldn't mind if we come, do you?
- Adrian Monk: I can't speak in public.
- Natalie Teeger: See, that's not true. Remember when I first started working for you and you made that list with all of your fears and phobias, there were one hundred and three things, public speaking wasn't one of them.
- Adrian Monk: Actually, there were a couple of things I didn't mention; I didn't want you to think I was weird.
- Adrian Monk: When I when I look at a man, a real man like Steve Wagner I just feel weak. I just feel so inadequate. I know he's guilty. But I'll never be able to prove it.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, Steve Wagner is a human being. And if he's guilty, I know something he's very much afraid of.
- Adrian Monk: What's that?
- Dr. Charles Kroger: You.
- Natalie Teeger: You can't just take mail from somebody's porch.
- Darrell Cain: Yeah, you can if it's fruit. The law doesn't apply to fruit because it's perishable.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, sir, the law does apply to fruit.
- [turns to Disher, who is eating a nectarine from the box]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you eating one?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Nope. I was just putting that back.
- [throws the nectarine back into the Fruit of the Month box]
- Adrian Monk: [to Julie's class] Who wants to be a detective when they grow up?
- [several kids raise their hands, resulting in a row where all but one of the kids have their hands raised]
- Adrian Monk: What about you? No? Everybody in your row has their hand up. If you put your hand up, it will be a perfect row. Put your hand up!
- [She does]
- Adrian Monk: I am such a... what do you call it?
- Natalie Teeger: Wuss? No, Mr. Monk, you are not a wuss.
- Adrian Monk: Well, I'm not a man. I know that. I'm a mutant. Half man, half wuss. I'm a muss.
- Natalie Teeger: [noticing Monk putting a head onto a missile] Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know.
- Captain Savo: [speaking into his walkie-talkie] They're at Ramp #2. He's handling a missile.
- [Monk is now polishing the head of the missile]
- Natalie Teeger: No, no, no, no! These are missiles. They could be nuclear weapons!
- Adrian Monk: Then stop me, for the love of God.
- Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] Why don't you ask the Captain?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whatever it is, thank you for asking, but I can't do it.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Good work, sir!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't have to sound so surprised, Randy.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I'm not surprised. Awestruck.
- [pause]
- Lt. Randall Disher: Awestruck.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't be, and that's an order.
- Lt. Randall Disher: You're ordering me not to be awestruck?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's right. Stand over there and don't be awestruck.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now maybe we should take a minute and see if we can think of a better alibi.
- Steve Wagner: I hear you've been checking up on me, calling Joanne's family, her publisher, turning over rocks. If you want to talk to me, let's talk right now, man to muss.
- Adrian Monk: He killed his girlfriend.
- Dr. Charles Kroger: Which I do not condone - it's indefensible, of course.
- Joanne Raphelson: Sir, there's a rumor you might be considering a run for senate.
- Steve Wagner: I don't know. I've been to Washington.
- Joanne Raphelson: Look at you!
- Joanne Raphelson: Damn, you're cute.
- Steve Wagner: Seriously, after this mission, I'm going to sit down and review my options. But I will say this: If I choose to run for public office, I'll treat this like any other mission. I will fully commit, and I will win. Failure is not an option.