- Mrs. Ling: When I fix this shirt, you don't complain, 'cause you good customer. You come back anytime, Mr. Babcock.
- Disher: Ma'am, he just killed eleven people.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Twelve. Let's not forget about the first Mrs. Babcock, who I'll bet is buried under that new porch.
- Mrs. Ling: Well... He still good customer. Not crazy like that Mr. Monk over there.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk can't help you because, well... he's... he's Monk and he's lost in Monkland.
- Ian Agnew: Thank you for seeing us.
- Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
- Adrian Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
- Ian Agnew: Please, sit down.
- [appears to have a rather sudden reaction, like he is thinking]
- Sharona Fleming: [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
- Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe.
- [points to it]
- Ian Agnew: I have a piece of pipe in my head.
- [pauses]
- Ian Agnew: I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
- Adrian Monk: Sir, about your accident.
- Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack.
- [laughs]
- Ian Agnew: I'll get it!
- [picks up the phone]
- Ian Agnew: Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number.
- [to Monk and Sharona]
- Ian Agnew: How's that coffee?
- [then to the floor]
- Ian Agnew: BAD DOG!
- [then back to Monk and Sharona]
- Ian Agnew: I haven't worked since.
- Adrian Monk: Huh. How did you get the job?
- Ian Agnew: Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it.
- [He picks up the phone again, about to talk to an imaginary caller]
- Ian Agnew: You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
- Sharona Fleming: Did you go to the trial?
- Ian Agnew: I testified.
- Sharona Fleming: Did you spend any time with the jury?
- Ian Agnew: No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors!
- [singing]
- Ian Agnew: "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do!"
- [then to a spot on the floor]
- Ian Agnew: BAD DOG!
- [then back to Monk and Sharona]
- Ian Agnew: You know what I think I miss the most?
- [points to the pipe]
- Ian Agnew: Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this.
- [picks up the phone again]
- Ian Agnew: Hello. Hello.
- Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.
- Ian Agnew: [talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?
- Adrian Monk: We'll let ourselves out.
- Ian Agnew: Tell me who this is RIGHT NOW!
- [Monk and Sharona walk out]
- Ian Agnew: Well I don't believe that for a minute!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to the squad room] All right everybody, listen up. Listen up! We're not going to find him flailing around in the dark. Let's communicate, keep each other briefed. We're going dumpster diving! We're going to...
- [turns and notices Disher putting up another sheet on the wall with the photos of the victims]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
- Lt. Randall Disher: I'm leaving a space for the next victim.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take it down. Take it down.
- [Disher takes it down]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no "next victim." We're stopping the son-of-a-bitch at *10*.
- Disher: Captain!
- [hands a file to Stottlemeyer]
- Disher: Washington just sent this down, it's a prelim psych profile.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: [holds the folder to his forehead] Let me guess: the killer is between 30 and 45 years old, white male, does not work in an office, probably spent time in the military, and definitely hates his mother.
- [Hands the file back to Disher]
- Disher: How did you know that?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: 'Cause that's what they always say, Lieutenant. That's scrap paper.
- Disher: Are you ready for this?
- [long pause]
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Randy, you could be halfway through your first sentence by now.
- Disher: We just picked up Juror #12 at a casino in Wallenpowpack. He gambles a lot, he's always in debt. He did it.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: What, did he confess?
- Disher: Well he tried to bolt when we picked him up. He lawyered up. He's not saying a thing. And are you ready for this?
- [another long pause]
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, Randy, we're ready! You don't have to ask. You never have to ask!
- Disher: He's got a body part in his freezer. A human finger.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Really? Well, the DA's gonna love that. They love body parts in the freezer.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to Monk, after Monk is attacked trying to stop Henry Smalls's killer. He notices that Monk has bandages on each hand] Did you hurt both of your hands?
- Sharona Fleming: No, just the left one.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Then why do you have bandages on both... ? Right. Symmetry.
- Sharona Fleming: Oh my god! Adrian, do you know what Kenny just did? He took care of all my parking tickets.
- Adrian Monk: He's like Superman.
- Sharona Fleming: [about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I didn't.
- Sharona Fleming: Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment.
- [to a passing cop]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you!
- [turns back to Sharona]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: See, I call everybody a weasel.
- Lt. Randall Disher: [to Sharona, about Kenny Shale] I was thinking of voting for him, but now I'm worried about his judgment. I mean, going out with you, there's no telling what he might do. Start a nuclear war or something.
- [Monk and Sharona arrive at the toll plaza]
- Adrian Monk: Handcuffed?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Handcuffed and tied to about 70 feet of rope.
- Sharona Fleming: Oh my god!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And then he was dragged, west 7/10ths of a mile. I just saw the body, or what's left of it. The M.E. says he's never seen anything like it. There's no end to it.
- Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I mean this is #9. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat.
- Adrian Monk: Any connection?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no connections at all. I mean, four have been men, five women. All different ages - Latino, white, black.
- Adrian Monk: And the M.Os?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All different. There's been a couple of shootings - all different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. It-It's like a full moon every night.
- Adrian Monk: And you're sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well they have one thing in common, Monk: we can't solve them. I swear, there's something in the water here.
- Adrian Monk: [about the 11 victims] What do they have in common?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Absolutely nothing.
- Adrian Monk: Exactly. They have... nothing in common. Some are rich, some poor, different ages, races, occupations... Captain this is a very diverse group. They are... too diverse.
- Sharona Fleming: "Too diverse"?
- Adrian Monk: I'm talking statistics. You'd have to work hard, really hard, to find a group this different. Plus, look at this. The blue pins indicate where they lived, right?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
- Adrian Monk: The murders took place all over the Bay Area, but the victims all lived in Marin County. What are the odds of *that*?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Go on, go, go, go, go...
- Adrian Monk: A diverse group... all registered to vote... you know where you find a group like that?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, yes! On a jury!
- Disher: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on, hang on...
- [checks his computer]
- Disher: He's right. They all served together on the same jury six years ago.
- Adrian Monk: A jury.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: On a jury.
- [he kisses Monk on the cheek, then runs out to rally the task force]
- [first lines; Frank Pulaski and Tommy Zimm are manning their tollbooths and conversing]
- Tommy Zimm: So the salesperson says, "Try the cleats." I say, "What do I need cleats for? I work in a tollbooth, for God's sake!"
- Frank Pulaski: They just want their commission.
- Tommy Zimm: Exactly. It's all about volume to them.
- Frank Pulaski: Janet buys all her shoes by mail.
- Tommy Zimm: I don't get it. How do you buy shoes by mail? I have to walk around in them, walk around the block.
- [a car pulls up to Pulaski's tollbooth]
- Frank Pulaski: How are you doing?
- [the driver hands him a ten]
- Frank Pulaski: Out of ten.
- Stewart Babcock: Are you Pulaski?
- Frank Pulaski: Huh?
- Stewart Babcock: Frank Pulaski?
- Frank Pulaski: That's right. Do I know you?
- Stewart Babcock: Just give me my change.
- [Pulaski hands the driver his change, and when his hand is close enough, the driver cuffs his left hand to a rope]
- Frank Pulaski: Hey! What the hell is this?
- Tommy Zimm: What, what happened?
- [the driver starts speeding away]
- Frank Pulaski: Tommy, get it off!
- [Tommy tries so for a few seconds, as the rope extends to maximum length. When the rope has fully become unravelled, it snaps, causing Pulaski to be yanked off his feet and dragged to his death. Tommy Zimm can only watch]
- Adrian Monk: [Monk is looking at lineup of murder suspects] Number 1, you have some lint on your jumpsuit.
- [Number 1 searches for the lint]
- Adrian Monk: Number 2, could you help number 1?