Monk (TV Series)
Mr. Monk and the 12th Man (2003)
Bitty Schram: Sharona Fleming
Quotes
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Ian Agnew : Thank you for seeing us.
Ian Agnew : Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
Adrian Monk : Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
Ian Agnew : Please, sit down.
[appears to have a rather sudden reaction, like he is thinking]
Sharona Fleming : [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
Ian Agnew : No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe.
[points to it]
Ian Agnew : I have a piece of pipe in my head.
[pauses]
Ian Agnew : I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
Adrian Monk : Sir, about your accident.
Ian Agnew : Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack.
[laughs]
Ian Agnew : I'll get it!
[picks up the phone]
Ian Agnew : Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number.
[to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew : How's that coffee?
[then to the floor]
Ian Agnew : BAD DOG!
[then back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew : I haven't worked since.
Adrian Monk : Huh. How did you get the job?
Ian Agnew : Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it.
[He picks up the phone again, about to talk to an imaginary caller]
Ian Agnew : You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
Sharona Fleming : Did you go to the trial?
Ian Agnew : I testified.
Sharona Fleming : Did you spend any time with the jury?
Ian Agnew : No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors!
[singing]
Ian Agnew : "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do!"
[then to a spot on the floor]
Ian Agnew : BAD DOG!
[then back to Monk and Sharona]
Ian Agnew : You know what I think I miss the most?
[points to the pipe]
Ian Agnew : Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this.
[picks up the phone again]
Ian Agnew : Hello. Hello.
Sharona Fleming : [to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.
Ian Agnew : [talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?
Adrian Monk : We'll let ourselves out.
Ian Agnew : Tell me who this is RIGHT NOW!
[Monk and Sharona walk out]
Ian Agnew : Well I don't believe that for a minute!
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Capt. Stottlemeyer : [to Monk, after Monk is attacked trying to stop Henry Smalls's killer. He notices that Monk has bandages on each hand] Did you hurt both of your hands?
Sharona Fleming : No, just the left one.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Then why do you have bandages on both... ? Right. Symmetry.
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Sharona Fleming : Oh my god! Adrian, do you know what Kenny just did? He took care of all my parking tickets.
Adrian Monk : He's like Superman.
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Sharona Fleming : [about Kenny Shale] You called him a weasel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : No, I didn't.
Sharona Fleming : Yeah, you did. Three weeks ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I never said "weasel." I said he was a... "woof." Oh, yeah, I said "weasel." I called him a weasel, but you see, that's not a bad thing. I had a weasel. A weasel is a noble animal, all right? It's a term of endearment.
[to a passing cop]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Jerry, hey, how are you doing, you weasel? Good to see you!
[turns back to Sharona]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : See, I call everybody a weasel.
-
[Monk and Sharona arrive at the toll plaza]
Adrian Monk : Handcuffed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Handcuffed and tied to about 70 feet of rope.
Sharona Fleming : Oh my god!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : And then he was dragged, west 7/10ths of a mile. I just saw the body, or what's left of it. The M.E. says he's never seen anything like it. There's no end to it.
Adrian Monk : What do you mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I mean this is #9. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat.
Adrian Monk : Any connection?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : No, no connections at all. I mean, four have been men, five women. All different ages - Latino, white, black.
Adrian Monk : And the M.Os?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : All different. There's been a couple of shootings - all different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. It-It's like a full moon every night.
Adrian Monk : And you're sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well they have one thing in common, Monk: we can't solve them. I swear, there's something in the water here.
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Adrian Monk : [about the 11 victims] What do they have in common?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Absolutely nothing.
Adrian Monk : Exactly. They have... nothing in common. Some are rich, some poor, different ages, races, occupations... Captain this is a very diverse group. They are... too diverse.
Sharona Fleming : "Too diverse"?
Adrian Monk : I'm talking statistics. You'd have to work hard, really hard, to find a group this different. Plus, look at this. The blue pins indicate where they lived, right?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Yeah.
Adrian Monk : The murders took place all over the Bay Area, but the victims all lived in Marin County. What are the odds of *that*?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Go on, go, go, go, go...
Adrian Monk : A diverse group... all registered to vote... you know where you find a group like that?
Capt. Stottlemeyer : Yes, yes! On a jury!
Disher : Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on, hang on...
[checks his computer]
Disher : He's right. They all served together on the same jury six years ago.
Adrian Monk : A jury.
Capt. Stottlemeyer : On a jury.
[he kisses Monk on the cheek, then runs out to rally the task force]