Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame (2003)

Bitty Schram: Sharona Fleming

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Monk is compulsively trying to fix the game up] 

  Sharona Fleming : Adrian! Adrian, it's okay. It's clean enough.

  [Monk goes back to cleaning. The players look rather frustrated, but Stottlemeyer is smiling to himself] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : OK guys, we're going to be here awhile, so if anybody's got any homework they need to do, they might as well get it out now.

  Adrian Monk : Play ball!

  [the catcher cleanly catches the ball right past the batter] 

  Adrian Monk : Safe!

  [the catcher throws it back] 

  Adrian Monk : Strike one! Ball! Ball one! That was a ball. That was ball one. Ball one!

  [the catcher, pitcher and batter just look confused. So does Monk] 

  Adrian Monk : No - no, it's a strike!

  [Stottlemeyer is very amused, but the kids are agitated] 

  Adrian Monk : Strike! Ball! Ball!

  [the catcher pesters Monk to speed up play. Monk signals with one hand T-shaped on the other to stop the game] 

  Adrian Monk : Time - time out!

  [points out to the pitcher in front of him. The pitcher points to himself as if to ask "You mean me?" Monk then points to the helmet he is wearing. He then puts either hand on each side and straightens it. The kid realizes he means his own hat and tilts the crooked hat's rim to face the front. Adrian then tilts his helmet so that the kid tips his hat until it's perfect. He puts his fingers together to show he's pleased and it's just right] 

  Adrian Monk : Play ball.

  [Cuts to him bending over home plate with a handy wipe, polishing it off. As he goes back to his spot, a little batter comes up and slips on the polished plate, which has no traction. Sharona cover her eyes. Adrian looks around to see if anyone noticed. Next, he's picking off little stray fabrics sticking up off the softball with his fingers] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [helping his team with their math]  That eighth is where you have to carry...

• [Adrian plugs in the case-breaking video] 

  Adrian Monk : Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.

  Sharona Fleming : Okay, here it is.

  Adrian Monk : Don't blink.

  [as they watch the video] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh, my God.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Oh, my God.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh, my-

  [catches himself] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Oh, my God!

  Adrian Monk : [off Stottlemeyer's look]  My God.

• Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [examining the photo of a car found near a crime scene]  GCE-15P. Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.

  Adrian Monk : It was a mnemonic device!

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I understand. That's good work, Monk.

  Adrian Monk : I remembered how the housekeeper said that Lawrence Hammond never forgot a birthday. A lot of successful people use little tricks to memorize information.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I said I understand.

  Adrian Monk : But, obviously, Hammond made up the phrase to help him remember the license plate of the car that ran him down. "G" stands for "girls"...

  Sharona Fleming : Adrian, Adrian, he gets it, okay? We all get it!

  Adrian Monk : Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.

  [Randy bursts into the office, looking rather excited] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Captain, the car is hot! It was stolen from the Presidio Sunday night.

  [Gives Stottlemeyer a photo of the car and the bumper] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Is this blood on the bumper?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes, sir, we have a positive match. It's Lawrence Hammond's! You ready for this?

  [long pause. Everyone looks at Randy in disbelief as if waiting for the punchline] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Ready for what? Just say it, Randy! What?

  Lt. Randall Disher : We found this, underneath the rear seat cushion.

  [as Randy offers a little lunch baggie with a metallic CD in it, Monk immediately reaches for it until Stottlemeyer quickly grabs it out of his grasp. He shoots Monk a look and he backs down, biting his tongue in disappointment as Sharona pats his shoulder] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : It's for one of those global positioning systems. It's homemade. The guy programmed it himself.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, this is what he used to lure Hammond and his wife to that industrial park. Right. Okay, start putting together a list of computer geeks who can do that sort of thing.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes, sir. There's more...

  [another long pause] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : And would you like to share it with us, Randy?

  Lt. Randall Disher : The shooter abandoned the car in a parking lot. There was a security camera. We got a picture of him.

  [hands the captain a large, blown up, black and white surveillance grab of the shooter. It's rather hard to make out any defining features. Monk bends around with Sharona to take a close up look at it.] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Wait, that's it? They can't clean that up?

  Lt. Randall Disher : It is cleaned up. I mean, he was 50 feet away. Should I release it to the press?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What's the point? I've seen better pictures of Bigfoot.

  Adrian Monk : [looking at the photo]  Captain, I've seen this guy before.

  Sharona Fleming : Who is he?

  Adrian Monk : I can't remember, but I know that face. I've seen him before... somewhere.

• [last lines. Monk and Sharona are walking in the park] 

  Sharona Fleming : I wish you were sitting in yesterday. Benjy had two singles and a double. I'm so proud of him!

  Adrian Monk : You should be!

  Sharona Fleming : Next time he's going to bat clean-up. Sounds like something you would do: clean up, get it?

  Adrian Monk : Yeah, I get it.

  [They stop when they notice Toby, Walker Browning's dog, on the grass] 

  Sharona Fleming : Is that Browning's dog?

  Adrian Monk : I - I think that's the baseball!

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  [She runs without fear up to the doberman, and in no uncertain terms, gets him to drop the ball. Monk merely backs away] 

  Sharona Fleming : Toby! Toby! Drop the ball, drop it!

  [the dog does so obediently, knowing who's boss and runs off. Sharona picks up the sloberry item that is no longer really a ball anymore and holds it up for Monk's examination. He stands at a safe distance] 

  Sharona Fleming : Eww... ssshesh - uh! God - it's all chewed up!

  Adrian Monk : Uhh - it's a pretty expensive chew toy!

  Sharona Fleming : It sure is!

  Adrian Monk : Though - it's kind of fitting though don't you think?

  Sharona Fleming : What?

  Adrian Monk : Nobody ends up with the money. A dog chews it all up!

  [starts to laugh lightly] 

  Sharona Fleming : This dog chewed up $3 million. And I can't even afford a tank of gas.

  Adrian Monk : So you're holding, what, about $20,000 right there? You could put three, four tanks of premium in your car with that. You know what? Consider that a Christmas bonus.

  Sharona Fleming : Like you would ever give me a Christmas bonus.

  Adrian Monk : I want you to go out and buy yourself something pretty.

  Sharona Fleming : Yeah, right!

  Adrian Monk : Don't save it. You don't have to save the money.

• Adrian Monk : [examining a crime scene]  Isn't that - what do you call it?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Global positioning system. It was on, but it wasn't working. There was no disc in the computer.

  Adrian Monk : Maybe somebody took it.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Maybe.

  Adrian Monk : [sizing up the rest of the crime scene]  The shooter was here... waiting. Hammond drives up...

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yeah. Right. We found the casings. The shooter comes in here. Pop, pop. Pop, pop. Four rounds into the wife.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Adrian Monk : He shot the wife first? Then Hammond?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Hammond was shot once, but it wasn't fatal. He tried to get away.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Lt. Randall Disher : He gets out, runs. The shooter gets back into his car, runs him down.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Lt. Randall Disher : But Hammond *still* wasn't dead.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Lt. Randall Disher : In the morning, he crawled away.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Lt. Randall Disher : He crawled for 2.5 miles. Truck driver found him, 9:00 AM, near Route 12.

  Adrian Monk : I'd like to talk to him.

  Lt. Randall Disher : I'll get him.

  [He runs off while Stottlemeyer comes over] 

  Adrian Monk : Captain... he shot the wife first? Why would he do that? I would've done the husband first. Wouldn't you?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I don't know, Monk. It's never come up.

  Adrian Monk : He didn't even stick around to make sure Hammond was dead.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Maybe he got interrupted.

  Adrian Monk : He lured them here somehow... to kill her.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Who, the wife? She's a nobody. Lawrence Hammond's worth a billion dollars. He had at least a hundred enemies.

• TV Announcer #1 : ...For the best price and best quality, come into one of our many bay area locations today.

  [Another ad starts playing, with a baseball player hitting a home run] 

  TV Announcer #2 : [voiceover]  Baseball's Darryl Grant can break the single season record for home runs, but one thing he can't break is any storm window made by Parson's. Swiss-tempered, double-laminated safety glass. To protect your home, you, and your family.

  Darryl Grant : [on TV]  With Parson's Storm Windows, the only break you'll be seeing is in the price.

  Lyle Turrow : I'm watching it right now. I've seen it, like, 20 times. Will you relax? No, the lighting's perfect. You look great!

  [gets distracted when he spots Monk rubbing a spot off a basketball] 

  Lyle Turrow : Darryl, I'm going to have to call you back, all right? Who loves you? Great. Well, who else loves you? Me! Why do you tease me like that? Excuse me, excuse me, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

  Adrian Monk : A bit of a smudge, like an ink stain. I think I got most of it.

  Lyle Turrow : No, no, no, it's an autograph. Yeah, it's an 1988 all-star game ball signed by Michael Jordan.

  Adrian Monk : Well, maybe he could sign it again.

  Lyle Turrow : Sure, I'll just call Michael. Ask him to stop by.

  Adrian Monk : Thank God, I'm so relieved!

  [Sharona gives Monk a dirty look as Turrow heads back to his desk] 

  Sharona Fleming : He's being sarcastic.

• [while giving the summation to Walker Browning, Toby starts growling] 

  Adrian Monk : OK - uh - has that dog been fed recently?

  Walker Browning : Hammond the millionaire? This is insane.

  Adrian Monk : You knew Hammond's schedule. The board of directors' meeting was well-publicized. The night before, you broke into his garage and replaced his global positioning disc with one that you programmed yourself.

  [This is overlaid with a clip showing Browning replacing the CD in the GPS system of Hammond's car] 

  Adrian Monk : Hammond followed the directions, and all you had to do was wait.

  [In flashback, Browning shoots the Hammonds at the industrial park] 

  Sharona Fleming : And all because you wanted to sell a baseball.

  Walker Browning : No, you can't prove any of this.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well here's a little tip for you, Walker: the next time you wipe down a stolen car, make sure that you get the adjustment bar under the driver's side seat, because we lifted a thumb print, and I'm betting it's yours.

  Walker Browning : Toby! Achtung!

  [pulls open the gate to release Toby upon them. In self defense, Monk grabs Stottlemeyer's jacket] 

  Adrian Monk : Captain, I'm done, right? I think I'm done.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Monk, stop!

  [Browning, meanwhile, attempts to reach for his ball, but is jumped by Disher. At the same time, Stottlemeyer attempts to reason with Toby, who has the ball in his mouth] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Toby, good daaawg! Good boy - good boy - give me the ball!

  Lt. Randall Disher : [spins around and also sees Toby with the ball]  The ball! Toby - give the ball to the captain!

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Toby, good boy - give me the baawl, Toby! Good boy Toby!

  Lt. Randall Disher : [puts his fingers together and waves them beside Toby]  Toby! Toby release!

  [Toby doesn't release yet] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : OK, OK - just give me the ball!

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Monk!

  Adrian Monk : Toby, sit!

  [Toby advances on him. Monk opens the door and Toby trots out] 

  Adrian Monk : I - I've never been good with animals.

  [Stottlemeyer signals Disher now to go after the ball like he's his lapdog] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Go! Go - fetch! Get the ball! Get the ball!

  [Randy bolts out the door and chases Toby down the steps] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Toby! Toby, heel! Toby, freeze! Heel! Heel!

  [the dog passes an officer at the bottom of the steps, who doesn't do anything even after Toby passes him] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Heel! Get the dog!

• Sharona Fleming : Thank you, Adrian!

  [pause] 

  Sharona Fleming : I thought I'd thank you now, because in a half an hour, you're probably gonna piss me off again.

  Adrian Monk : You're welcome.

• Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Is there a problem?

  Sharona Fleming : Didn't your son repeat the third grade?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, so what if he did?

  Sharona Fleming : How old is he?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [takes a toothpick from his mouth and looks down at his feet like a sheepish boy]  He's twelve.

  Sharona Fleming : Jared, what year were you born?

  [Jared is about to speak when his dad interrupts him] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Don't answer that son. Alright, we're going to huddle in the outfield and then we're going out for pizza! Yeah!

  [He rallies up the little troops and applauds, trying to seem light. But, then turns back to Sharona and in confidence...] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Alriight, he's thirteen! But, I have a special dispensation from the league - he's eligible.

  Sharona Fleming : How many parking tickets did you have to fix for that?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [getting pissed]  He's eligible, Sharona. End of discussion.

  [He answers an incoming call on his cell phone] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Excuse me, this is Stottlemeyer.

• Adrian Monk : Captain, I think we're on to something. Erin Hammond was having an affair.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh, again with the wife?

  Adrian Monk : There were four shampoo bottles in her bedroom from the Newport Inn...

  Sharona Fleming : Which is just two miles away from her house. The concierge says she's been there two or three times a month with some guy, but they never got a good look at him.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [sarcastic]  Congratulations! Mrs. Hammond was having an affair.

  [taking his cue from Stottlemeyer, Disher scoffs and crosses his arms] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : ...Yeah. All right. Yeah, I can't ignore that.

  [to Disher] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Go down to the Newport Inn. I want you to interview the staff and bring a sketch artist.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes, sir.

• [Monk is comparing a photograph of a painting with a canvas in Erin Hammond's bedroom] 

  Sharona Fleming : Adrian, you're wrong. It is not the same artist.

  Adrian Monk : I know it's not the same artist. But look at the window and the drapes, and the church in the background.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you're right! It is the same church.

  Adrian Monk : So, at some point, they were both in the same room.

  Sharona Fleming : Whoa, whoa, wait. So you're saying Lawrence Hammond's wife...

  Adrian Monk : His murdered wife.

  Sharona Fleming : And Scott Gregorio...

  Adrian Monk : Future Hall-Of-Famer.

  Sharona Fleming : Are connected?

  Adrian Monk : Bet on it.

• Adrian Monk : [There is a naked male art model that needs to be interviewed]  Sharona, I can't. I can't do this.

  Sharona Fleming : Why? Because he's naked? You've never seen a naked man before?

  Adrian Monk : No.

  Sharona Fleming : Well, you've seen yourself naked, right?

  Adrian Monk : Just once.

• Sharona Fleming : Adrian, you are a great detective. A terrible umpire, but a great detective.