Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame (2003)

Jason Gray-Stanford: Lieutenant Randy Disher

Quotes 

• [Adrian plugs in the case-breaking video] 

  Adrian Monk : Can I make a prediction here? You're each going to say, "Oh, my God" twice.

  Sharona Fleming : Okay, here it is.

  Adrian Monk : Don't blink.

  [as they watch the video] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh, my God.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Oh, my God.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh, my-

  [catches himself] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Oh, my God!

  Adrian Monk : [off Stottlemeyer's look]  My God.

• Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [examining the photo of a car found near a crime scene]  GCE-15P. Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.

  Adrian Monk : It was a mnemonic device!

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I understand. That's good work, Monk.

  Adrian Monk : I remembered how the housekeeper said that Lawrence Hammond never forgot a birthday. A lot of successful people use little tricks to memorize information.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I said I understand.

  Adrian Monk : But, obviously, Hammond made up the phrase to help him remember the license plate of the car that ran him down. "G" stands for "girls"...

  Sharona Fleming : Adrian, Adrian, he gets it, okay? We all get it!

  Adrian Monk : Girls can't eat 15 pizzas.

  [Randy bursts into the office, looking rather excited] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Captain, the car is hot! It was stolen from the Presidio Sunday night.

  [Gives Stottlemeyer a photo of the car and the bumper] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Is this blood on the bumper?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes, sir, we have a positive match. It's Lawrence Hammond's! You ready for this?

  [long pause. Everyone looks at Randy in disbelief as if waiting for the punchline] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Ready for what? Just say it, Randy! What?

  Lt. Randall Disher : We found this, underneath the rear seat cushion.

  [as Randy offers a little lunch baggie with a metallic CD in it, Monk immediately reaches for it until Stottlemeyer quickly grabs it out of his grasp. He shoots Monk a look and he backs down, biting his tongue in disappointment as Sharona pats his shoulder] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : It's for one of those global positioning systems. It's homemade. The guy programmed it himself.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, this is what he used to lure Hammond and his wife to that industrial park. Right. Okay, start putting together a list of computer geeks who can do that sort of thing.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes, sir. There's more...

  [another long pause] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : And would you like to share it with us, Randy?

  Lt. Randall Disher : The shooter abandoned the car in a parking lot. There was a security camera. We got a picture of him.

  [hands the captain a large, blown up, black and white surveillance grab of the shooter. It's rather hard to make out any defining features. Monk bends around with Sharona to take a close up look at it.] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Wait, that's it? They can't clean that up?

  Lt. Randall Disher : It is cleaned up. I mean, he was 50 feet away. Should I release it to the press?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What's the point? I've seen better pictures of Bigfoot.

  Adrian Monk : [looking at the photo]  Captain, I've seen this guy before.

  Sharona Fleming : Who is he?

  Adrian Monk : I can't remember, but I know that face. I've seen him before... somewhere.

• Adrian Monk : [examining a crime scene]  Isn't that - what do you call it?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Global positioning system. It was on, but it wasn't working. There was no disc in the computer.

  Adrian Monk : Maybe somebody took it.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Maybe.

  Adrian Monk : [sizing up the rest of the crime scene]  The shooter was here... waiting. Hammond drives up...

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yeah. Right. We found the casings. The shooter comes in here. Pop, pop. Pop, pop. Four rounds into the wife.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Adrian Monk : He shot the wife first? Then Hammond?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Hammond was shot once, but it wasn't fatal. He tried to get away.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Lt. Randall Disher : He gets out, runs. The shooter gets back into his car, runs him down.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Lt. Randall Disher : But Hammond *still* wasn't dead.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Lt. Randall Disher : In the morning, he crawled away.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh my God!

  Lt. Randall Disher : He crawled for 2.5 miles. Truck driver found him, 9:00 AM, near Route 12.

  Adrian Monk : I'd like to talk to him.

  Lt. Randall Disher : I'll get him.

  [He runs off while Stottlemeyer comes over] 

  Adrian Monk : Captain... he shot the wife first? Why would he do that? I would've done the husband first. Wouldn't you?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : I don't know, Monk. It's never come up.

  Adrian Monk : He didn't even stick around to make sure Hammond was dead.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Maybe he got interrupted.

  Adrian Monk : He lured them here somehow... to kill her.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Who, the wife? She's a nobody. Lawrence Hammond's worth a billion dollars. He had at least a hundred enemies.

• [while giving the summation to Walker Browning, Toby starts growling] 

  Adrian Monk : OK - uh - has that dog been fed recently?

  Walker Browning : Hammond the millionaire? This is insane.

  Adrian Monk : You knew Hammond's schedule. The board of directors' meeting was well-publicized. The night before, you broke into his garage and replaced his global positioning disc with one that you programmed yourself.

  [This is overlaid with a clip showing Browning replacing the CD in the GPS system of Hammond's car] 

  Adrian Monk : Hammond followed the directions, and all you had to do was wait.

  [In flashback, Browning shoots the Hammonds at the industrial park] 

  Sharona Fleming : And all because you wanted to sell a baseball.

  Walker Browning : No, you can't prove any of this.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well here's a little tip for you, Walker: the next time you wipe down a stolen car, make sure that you get the adjustment bar under the driver's side seat, because we lifted a thumb print, and I'm betting it's yours.

  Walker Browning : Toby! Achtung!

  [pulls open the gate to release Toby upon them. In self defense, Monk grabs Stottlemeyer's jacket] 

  Adrian Monk : Captain, I'm done, right? I think I'm done.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Monk, stop!

  [Browning, meanwhile, attempts to reach for his ball, but is jumped by Disher. At the same time, Stottlemeyer attempts to reason with Toby, who has the ball in his mouth] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Toby, good daaawg! Good boy - good boy - give me the ball!

  Lt. Randall Disher : [spins around and also sees Toby with the ball]  The ball! Toby - give the ball to the captain!

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Toby, good boy - give me the baawl, Toby! Good boy Toby!

  Lt. Randall Disher : [puts his fingers together and waves them beside Toby]  Toby! Toby release!

  [Toby doesn't release yet] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : OK, OK - just give me the ball!

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Monk!

  Adrian Monk : Toby, sit!

  [Toby advances on him. Monk opens the door and Toby trots out] 

  Adrian Monk : I - I've never been good with animals.

  [Stottlemeyer signals Disher now to go after the ball like he's his lapdog] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Go! Go - fetch! Get the ball! Get the ball!

  [Randy bolts out the door and chases Toby down the steps] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Toby! Toby, heel! Toby, freeze! Heel! Heel!

  [the dog passes an officer at the bottom of the steps, who doesn't do anything even after Toby passes him] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Heel! Get the dog!

• [Randy and some coworkers are watching a bulletin on Randy's mini TV] 

  Commentator #1 : All eyes on Scott Gregorio tonight as he attempts to create history. No baseball fan could ever forget this moment. It was three years ago. This is Darryl Grant hitting his historic 73rd home run. The question now is, how long will that record stand? Scott Gregorio's within three home runs with four games left to play.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Scotty!

  Commentator #1 : If last night is any indication, he's going to be in trouble. Gregorio went 0-for-3 in Philly. He looked pretty shaky at the plate.

  Commentator #2 : He's choking.

  Sgt. Chitwood : I was at the stadium Tuesday night. He was on fire.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Well, some guys just can't handle the pressure, my friend. Not like you and me.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Randy! Where is that list of people who might have had a grudge against Lawrence Hammond?

  Lt. Randall Disher : [panics and hides his mini TV under his desk, and the other officer goes back to work. Stottlemeyer gives a glance at Randy that seems to suggest that he knows about Randy's little secret]  Still working on it, sir. It's like a phone book. I mean, everybody who had stock in the company had a reason to hate the guy.

• Adrian Monk : Captain, I think we're on to something. Erin Hammond was having an affair.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Oh, again with the wife?

  Adrian Monk : There were four shampoo bottles in her bedroom from the Newport Inn...

  Sharona Fleming : Which is just two miles away from her house. The concierge says she's been there two or three times a month with some guy, but they never got a good look at him.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [sarcastic]  Congratulations! Mrs. Hammond was having an affair.

  [taking his cue from Stottlemeyer, Disher scoffs and crosses his arms] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : ...Yeah. All right. Yeah, I can't ignore that.

  [to Disher] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Go down to the Newport Inn. I want you to interview the staff and bring a sketch artist.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes, sir.