Mod Squad (TV Series)

Never Give the Fuzz an Even Break (1969)

Clarence Williams III: Linc Hayes

Photos 

Quotes 

• Admiral Nathaniel Johnson : You three are either very brave or very stupid, trying to take Nat Johnson!

  [looks expectantly at their blank faces] 

  Admiral Nathaniel Johnson : Do you mean to say you don't know who Nat Johnson is? Number one con man in the country! The best bunco artist in the business! Bah, you three kids, bungling amateurs! Let me tell you, Nat Johnson is still king of the hill!

  Pete Cochran : Mr. Johnson, we're sorry.

  Linc Hayes : We didn't know.

  Pete Cochran : What do we do now?

  Admiral Nathaniel Johnson : Go home and grow up!

• Pete Cochran : What is it with you and him?

  Capt. Adam Greer : He's my personal Moby Dick. My first case as a detective. He salted a lead mine in Nevada with uranium and sold phony stock. He cleaned up and everybody else busted out. You know, I couldn't get a single victim to testify?

  Linc Hayes : Why not?

  Capt. Adam Greer : They had confidence in him. They begged the judge to restrain me from harassing their friend and benefactor!

  [laughter] 

• Linc Hayes : Admiral, with a brain like yours, can you imagine what you would do in legitimate business?

  Admiral Nathaniel Johnson : What, and give up all the fun? Me chained to a desk? Have you ever seen an eagle in a cage? The most miserable creature on earth. But give him his freedom and he's a sight to behold, wheeling and soaring in the sky.

• Julie Barnes : When are you going to get tired of wheeling and dealing?

  Admiral Nathaniel Johnson : Every caper's a challenge! And more than that, I'm performing a highly useful moral function.

  Linc Hayes : Now, how do you figure that?

  Admiral Nathaniel Johnson : Everybody has a bit of larceny in him. If it wasn't for me, they'd never have a shot at it. After I've taken my marks, they become honest again. They've had a brief fling at crime, and I've made a profit. And consider this: I don't hurt people, except in their pride. And their pocketbooks.

  [winks and nudges Linc with his elbow] 

  Julie Barnes : You're beautiful, Admiral.

  Admiral Nathaniel Johnson : So are you, my dear.

• Admiral Nathaniel Johnson : [pouring beers for his three proteges]  All right, so I'm a con man. All human relationships are built on confidence. The public has confidence in the politician's promises so they elect him to office. The customer has confidence in the salesman's pitch, so he purchases the product.

  Linc Hayes : [raising his glass to the Admiral]  It's a watertight argument, Admiral.

• Capt. Adam Greer : I bet you three get a charge out of listening to the Admiral harpoon me.

  Julie Barnes : He happens to be a very groovy person.

  Capt. Adam Greer : That does it. Okay, kids, I better take you off the case. He's won and I've lost.

  Linc Hayes : What do you mean?

  Capt. Adam Greer : You're not taking him seriously! You think he's some combination of Robin Hood, Santa Claus, and Daddy Warbucks.

  Pete Cochran : Well, we don't think he's the Boston Strangler.

  Capt. Adam Greer : You're aiding and abetting a criminal!

  Julie Barnes : I'm not! I just wash his socks.

  [laughter] 

• Linc Hayes : [entrusted with an incriminating check]  Well, we finally got it.

  Julie Barnes : All the evidence the Captain needs.

  Pete Cochran : And an eyewitness to testify.

  Julie Barnes : What should we do?

  Linc Hayes : Tear it up.

  Pete Cochran : Burn it.

  Capt. Adam Greer : [Greer enters the scene and takes the check]  You could give it to me.

  Linc Hayes : What are you gonna do?

  Capt. Adam Greer : Go over to Monrovia, get a written complaint from Dr. Steelman.

  Julie Barnes : Can't you let the Admiral go?

  Capt. Adam Greer : He's a crook!

  Pete Cochran : Not really. He only swindles people who already have larceny in their hearts. How many times did he tell us that?

  Capt. Adam Greer : Boy, are you hooked.