Married... with Children (TV Series)

Sleepless in Chicago (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  [after finding out that Peg threw away his issue of "Big 'Uns"] 

  Al : [whining]  Peg, I want my Big 'Uns.'

  Peggy : Oh, honey. You want Big 'Uns?' I'll give you Big 'Uns.'

  Al : No, I said Big 'Uns,' not Those 'Uns!'

• [Al answers the door after Marcy furiously knocks] 

  Al : Hey, Marcy, I thought I heard some pecking.

  Marcy : Outta my way, Swamp Gas.

  Al : That's *Mr.* Swamp Gas to you.

• Al : Now, son, you've got two choices: you can get out, or, you can get the hell out.

• Kelly : [Al's attention is directed towards the TV]  Hi, Daddy.

  [wears brunette wig] 

  Al : Look at this. The bad guys shoot Superman a dozen times, see the bullets bounce off, so they throw their guns at him.

  [ignored, Kelly sighs] 

  Al : It's like they can't kill him, so they think they"d give him a really bad bruise.

  [Kelly raises her eyes] 

  Al : What a bunch of morons!

  Kelly : [sighs]  Daddy, do you notice anything different about me?

  Al : No, son.

  Kelly : Daddy, it's Kelly.

  Al : [impatiently]  Well, tell her to come in!

  Kelly : I am already *in*. And I am wearing a brunette wig. "Why?" you ask? It's because I got picked to do a public service announcement. And I decided I should do it as a brunette, since blondes have a reputation for being dumb. Which we all know is just a stereo system.

• [Al has to masquerade as Jefferson by lying next to her in bed; when Amber comes in, Al has to pretend to be asleep while listening to them talk about their periods] 

  Al : [thinking]  The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.

• Jefferson : I got a big problem, Al. Marcy hasn't let go of that Barbie doll since I gave it to her. I need you to do me a little favor.

  [Al pulls a "Big 'Uns" from under the couch] 

  Al : Can I do it while I'm reading the magazine?

  Jefferson : You know, that magazine still belongs to me until you've paid me for it.

  Al : What is the favor?

  Jefferson : I need you to sleep with Marcy.

  [Al reacts by slapping Jefferson' arm with the magazine] 

  Jefferson : I don't mean "sleep" with her. Just lie next to her so I can have enough time to switch that Barbie with the regular Nurse Barbie. That 'Barbie-phile' we saw at the auction will give me $50,000 and the substitute. It'll just take an hour 'til I make the trade. How about it?

  Al : But, Jefferson, Peg might wake up and notice me gone, and then it might ruin an otherwise... sickening marriage.

• [Peggy catches Al sneaking in the front door after being next door] 

  Peggy : Al! It is four o'clock in the morning! Where have you been?

  Al : Uh... next door, sleeping with Marcy.

  Peggy : Don't lie to me! What's that smell?

  [Peggy sniffs at Al's clothing] 

  Peggy : You smell like fried chicken. You've been snacking at Shecky's All Night Chicken Shack. Haven't you?

• [after finding out that the Barbie doll Jefferson got for Marcy is worth $50,000] 

  Al : Jefferson, $50,000. Well, what are we going to do?

  Jefferson : *We*...

  [takes the doll from Al] 

  Jefferson : say 'goodbye' to you, and catch a plane to Aruba.

• Kelly : [watching "Superman"]  What does the "S" on his chest stands for?

  Al : "Straight". You know, he has to be careful when changing clothes on the phone booth.