- Dobie Gillis: [sitting before The Thinker, addressing the viewer] My name's Dobie Gillis. I'm happy. I'm happy because I've just fallen in love - an hour ago. This is the happiest part of a love affair - just after falling in love and just before the problem of money comes up.
- Prof. Mullican: Are you familiar with the Greeks?
- Dobie Gillis: Well, there's a Greek boy in school.
- Prof. Mullican: I was referring to the Ancient Greeks.
- Dobie Gillis: Oh, well, I don't know his parents.
- Herbert T. Gillis: [addressing Prof. Millican] You're interested in heredity, huh? Well, let me tell you something about heredity. Did you ever hear of "backwards heredity"? Well, heredity backs up some times, and that's what happened to me. I got me a cuckoo son, and heredity backed up on me, and now I'm cuckoo.
- Dobie Gillis: Aphrodite makes me feel weak and stupid. And the reason she makes me feel weak and stupid is because of two of my biggest faults: I'm weak and I'm stupid.