- Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel, what do the records show about my surgical skills?
- Colonel Carmichael: If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor, I think you'd have been assigned as a pastry chef.
- Hawkeye: [commenting on the ridiculous story that Major Burns just told] The Major's version of what happened was to say the least fascinating. It was to say the most perjury! No, to be fair I have no doubt that he remembers it that way. More's the pity. And there was some truth to what he said. It was October 11 and we were in Korea. Other than that...
- Colonel Carmichael: [after Radar explains helping Frank search Klinger's tent] This Cpl. Klinger, she's a nurse?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [laughs briefly] Oh, no, sir.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: If I may, Colonel, Cpl Klinger is a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian. To that end he dresses, erm...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In dresses.
- Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a section 8?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: The man does his job, I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Unless Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.
- Colonel Carmichael: Do you have any opening remarks?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes! Unaccustomed as I am to public lynching, let me just say that even the army must surely have better things to do than to listen to the ravings of a man with enough mold on his brain to produce a quart of penicillin.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Sticks and stones, your honor.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Burns has had it in for me ever since I suggested that he's created more widows and pallbearers than salmonella.
- Colonel Carmichael: Would you say that your lack of respect for the Major's medical skills might have contributed to the alleged mutiny?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There WAS no mutiny! It's his medical skills that are alleged! I say that Major Burns snapped under the burden of command and that he never should have been put in the position of command. And that if the politicians of the world hadn't failed to keep the peace, he'd be back in Indiana right now, with his cozy little malpractice. And meeting his receptionist two afternoons a week at the Golden Goose Motel.
- Maj. Frank Burns: THAT'S A LIE!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't leave your unopened mail around.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [Radar has just admitted that the missing money was hidden inside his teddy bear] I knew I should have ripped the stuffing out of the little bugger when I had the chance.
- Colonel Carmichael: Wouldn't you have felt a little foolish if that money wasn't inside the bear?
- Maj. Frank Burns: I wasn't talking about the bear.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I don't believe you did it. Officers don't steal.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We don't go to the toilet either.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We just explode when we're 50.
- [Radar looks up, concerned]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: We all do.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: If only I'd known.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I think it was Napoleon who said: "Without discipline, an army would be no more than a bunch of guys wearing the same color clothes."
- Maj. Frank Burns: [during a practice bug out that Frank has ordered]
- [blows whistle]
- Maj. Frank Burns: Chop, chop! Get the lead out! This is a war, you know!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: See? I told you this was a war, but you said we were both dreaming.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: How could we be in each other's dreams?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How could I be in Korea? More importantly, why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?
- Maj. Frank Burns: I prefer to lead by example, to command through respect. But, if all else fails, a leader can't hesitate to kick a few keisters.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Have a nice time and, uh... don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I don't know that I'd WANNA do anything you would do.
- Colonel Carmichael: Gentlemen, I have weighed the evidence carefully. Not merely the testimony, but the records of those involved. I have no doubt that Captain Pierce is a prankster and thoroughly unmilitary. But the records indicate that he's a topflight surgeon. Lord knows I wouldn't want to lead a company of Pierces into battle... but I'd sure as hell want him around when that battle was over.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Colonel Potter's chair wasn't even cold before Frank decided to re-create the 4077 in his own weird image.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I object to the word "weird."
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: How about warped? Bizarre? Balmy?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Perverted? Loony? Loopy?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Dippy.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I'm gonna sue all of you.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No doubt for definition of character.
- Maj. Frank Burns: What do you think you're doing wearing civilian underpants?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Is nothing sacred? These happen to be my mother's.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, really?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: They are. She said as long as I wore them, nothing would ever happen to me. She figured that, since nothing ever happened to her when she wore them.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I'm here to discuss something besides underwear.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Make it brief.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Ohh! That's very bad.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Not funny, but fast.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Frank, pre-op means preparation. Prep 'em!
- Maj. Frank Burns: Listen, they're backing up out there. With all this shelling, there'll be more wounded! We'll overflow! We'll be buried alive!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That beats their being buried dead, Frank. Now get out there and practice medicine or I'm gonna report you to Lionel Barrymore.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Frank, what are you doing?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: He's adapted Henry Ford's principles to medicine. He sends the wounded in on an assembly line and we're supposed to attach the headlights.
- Sgt. Zelmo Zale: You know, I've been burned with a three of a kind before. It's getting so I can smell a straight.
- [folds]
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Two, three, four, five, and five.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: A pair of fives.
- Sgt. Zelmo Zale: A crummy pair of fives?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Bravo, Beej.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: You win here with a pair of fives huh?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yes sir.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: In the immortal words of Napoleon, deal me in.