M*A*S*H (TV Series)

The Novocaine Mutiny (1976)

Ned Wilson: Colonel Carmichael

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maj. Frank Burns : Colonel, what do the records show about my surgical skills?

  Colonel Carmichael : If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor, I think you'd have been assigned as a pastry chef.

• Colonel Carmichael : [after Radar explains helping Frank search Klinger's tent]  This Cpl. Klinger, she's a nurse?

  Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : [laughs briefly]  Oh, no, sir.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : If I may, Colonel, Cpl Klinger is a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian. To that end he dresses, erm...

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : In dresses.

  Colonel Carmichael : Bucking for a section 8?

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : The man does his job, I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Unless Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.

• Colonel Carmichael : Do you have any opening remarks?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Yes! Unaccustomed as I am to public lynching, let me just say that even the army must surely have better things to do than to listen to the ravings of a man with enough mold on his brain to produce a quart of penicillin.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Sticks and stones, your honor.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Major Burns has had it in for me ever since I suggested that he's created more widows and pallbearers than salmonella.

  Colonel Carmichael : Would you say that your lack of respect for the Major's medical skills might have contributed to the alleged mutiny?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : There WAS no mutiny! It's his medical skills that are alleged! I say that Major Burns snapped under the burden of command and that he never should have been put in the position of command. And that if the politicians of the world hadn't failed to keep the peace, he'd be back in Indiana right now, with his cozy little malpractice. And meeting his receptionist two afternoons a week at the Golden Goose Motel.

  Maj. Frank Burns : THAT'S A LIE!

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Don't leave your unopened mail around.

• Maj. Frank Burns : [Radar has just admitted that the missing money was hidden inside his teddy bear]  I knew I should have ripped the stuffing out of the little bugger when I had the chance.

  Colonel Carmichael : Wouldn't you have felt a little foolish if that money wasn't inside the bear?

  Maj. Frank Burns : I wasn't talking about the bear.

• Colonel Carmichael : Gentlemen, I have weighed the evidence carefully. Not merely the testimony, but the records of those involved. I have no doubt that Captain Pierce is a prankster and thoroughly unmilitary. But the records indicate that he's a topflight surgeon. Lord knows I wouldn't want to lead a company of Pierces into battle... but I'd sure as hell want him around when that battle was over.