- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I never thought I would use this term in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
- Hawkeye: Well, why not? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.
- Hawkeye: Read it out loud, I love the sound of my own skullduggery.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [reads note] "Savor an evening with Hawkeye Pierce, trade your boredom for some Bordeaux. The epitome of the vintner's art. In 100 words or less, tell why you should be in a glass by yourself."
- Hawkeye: Glass by yourself, I love that.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: "Please sign a code name so that your anonyminity may be preserved. Decision of the judge will be fine." What if there's a tie?
- Hawkeye: Duplicate Hawkeyes will be awarded.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [after the jeep he's riding in breaks down due to a leaking radiator] Give me a horse any day! If a stallion springs a leak, all you'll have to worry about is a few moment's embarrassment on the parade ground.
- Hawkeye: [Spurned by yet another nurse] Don't you know you should never end a proposition with a sentence?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You mean you were so busy with your horse trading that you forgot to put H20 in the canteen?