- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Charles appears to drink from a bottle of hair tonic] Charles! You're drinking your hair!
- Major Charles Winchester: Don't be ridiculous. This is 12 year old scotch. You don't think I'd leave this in the original bottle around you petty larcenists, do you?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Ewww!
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: What?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I've been drinking from his scotch bottle!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [as Hawkeye and BJ are trying to look in the mailbag] No, absolutely not! Once it goes in this bag only a US mailman can open it. It's sacred.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Radar, one of those bad reports about Colonel Potter could be in that sacred bag.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Why didn't you say so?
- [dumps the entire contents of the bag on the floor]
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Here's a letter from Klinger to his draft board.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Is it ticking?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [as Hawkeye prepares to open a letter] You're not going to tear into that are you?
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: It's all right. We're doctors.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Right. I'll open. He'll close.
- Major Charles Winchester: Winchesters do not spy.
- [pause]
- Major Charles Winchester: Although on occasion, we have hired them.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [as Margaret picks up a beaker of hooch] Ma'am, may I see your ID?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Ha-ha. Don't be ridiculous. I'm over 21.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Don't be ridiculous. I know it.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: What's he got against Potter?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Why don't we pin him to the ground, cover him with ants and ask him nicely?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Reading the label on a bottle in Charles' footlocker] Ogilve& Cabot's Hair Sprout. A harvest of hair in every bottle.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Remind me to put some of that in his deodorant.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Charles, Potter said bad reports are coming from this camp and someone says you are the informer!
- Major Charles Winchester: And you chose to believe this provocateur?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You can't call me that!
- Major Charles Winchester: Gentlemen, I realize that thinking unsettles your prejudices, but if you would bother to use the few brains you have, it might occur to you to search the outgoing mail for a letter to the Inspector General's office. The chance is very good that it was written by the informer!