- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [afraid of catching mumps] If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids.
- Capt. Steven J. Newsome: I remember once, we had dead men stacked up like cordwood.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Never a dull moment, huh?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [after hearing Enrico Caruso] The guy sounds like a banshee in a bear trap.
- [yet more wounded arrive during the night]
- PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - rise and whine; we have more wounded. Don't make any plans for the weekend... or the week.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Not so fast. This is a private room. Go someplace else.
- B.J.: There is no place else. The V.I.P. tent is bulging with sick nurses.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who are also bulging.
- Capt. Steven J. Newsome: This is quite a lovely spot you have here.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's not much, but we like to call it hell.
- B.J.: We just came for a weekend. Now we may never leave.
- Capt. Steven J. Newsome: You're probably here on the American plan.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Now, see here, Newsome, that remark shows a complete lack of respect, for this man's army and all that it stands for. And I resent the fact that you beat me to it.
- B.J.: So do I.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [about Caruso] Sir! This man is one of the giants of serious music.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: If I want music, I'll send for my Tex Ritter 78s. If I want a giant, I'll send for Mel Ott!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Well, I don't know Mr. Ott's work, but cowboy crooners, even one so noteworthy as ol' Tex, can hardly be mentioned in the same breath with the immortal Enrico Caruso!
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Oh, yeah? If you want to match windpipes, can that Caruso guy yodel?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Not even at gunpoint!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, walking in your sleep. Good way to get rest and exercise at the same time.
- Capt. Steven J. Newsome: Just a little insomnia. But I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Steve, it's Hawkeye.
- Capt. Steven J. Newsome: [in shock] The blood won't come off. No matter what I do, it just stays there.
- B.J.: Just take it easy.
- Capt. Steven J. Newsome: See what I mean? Look at that. Never gonna go away. No matter how hard I scrub or--how much I wash, it's gonna stay there. Where do they come from? What do they--What do they expect me to do?
- [long pause. Newsome quietly starts crying]
- Capt. Steven J. Newsome: I can't. I can't.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Klinger!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You bellowed, o top o' the heap?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Yeah, and I wish I hadn't. It looks like I've got the mumps and...
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: The mumps!
- [backing away]
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Command me from a distance, my weak and withering leader. I have never mumped, and I'm too old to start.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [reading Zane Grey] There's a lesson. Never insult seven men when all you're packin' is a six-gun.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How'd you get him here so fast?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: It's a secret, but if he asks you where the beach is, change the subject.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Look, we can do this easy, or we can do this hard.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Why can't we just not do it at all?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Anything else I can do for you, sir?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: One thing. You've been here all day. Leave me alone!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: You don't have to shout.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Yes, I do. I would never hit a woman.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Colonel, isn't it a bit early in the day to be, um--how shall I put it--bagged?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: It's not booze that's got me in this shape, Winchester, it's mumps.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [laughs] I--Forgive me, Colonel. It's just that it's a bit silly to find a childhood malady afflicting a man of your advanced years.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Step aside, Major.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: What's next for you, Colonel? Unsightly teenage blemishes?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Ah, between you and the mumps, Winchester, I'd prefer the mumps. At least I know they're going to go away.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: On second thought, I think I'll read a little and then turn in. Some Zane Grey, maybe.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Ah, Zane Grey. Tolstoy with spurs.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He happens to be a great writer!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Colonel, what gin rummy is to games of skill, Zane Grey is to literature. Therefore, I shall counter with something civilized--Caruso.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: En-riko Caruso? The singer?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Why, yes, I do believe he sings.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Winchester, the artistic temperament is a delicate thing. So clam up, you yahoo!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I do not understand why you are allowed your pleasures and I am not allowed mine!
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Because MY pleasures are a little more on the quiet side!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [looking at the colonel's painting] Ah! That is either a horse or the RCA building.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end. Fortunately, I have a live-in model.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: Uh, Charles?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Hmm?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: You're being kind of cheeky for a guy who says he's never had the mumps.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I have nothing to fear. The superiority of the Winchester genes has rendered me immune. I have been exposed to mumps countless times. I have always emerged unswelled.
- B.J.: I'm sure. His butler got them for him.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: Hi, Colonel. We got a really swell surprise for ya.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Go away, Pierce. And take Hunnicutt with you.
- B.J.: We wanted to bring you something to cheer you up. But what can you give a man who has everything, including the mumps? His very own roomie!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: So here he is now, Charles Emerson Winchester the puffed.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Charles enters, face swollen] Well, well. A childhood malady in a man of your advanced weight?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You didn't know we were all walking into a mumps festival at the orphanage.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Gee, I just thought those kids were doing great Charles Laughton impressions.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Margaret, I know you're trying to help me, and God knows there isn't a pillow around that could go the distance with ya, but you'd bring a smile to this swollen face if you'd just leave me alone.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel...
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: And don't let the door hit ya on the fanny on the way out.