M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Heal Thyself (1980)
David Ogden Stiers: Maj. Charles Winchester
Photos
Quotes
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Maj. Charles Winchester : [about Caruso] Sir! This man is one of the giants of serious music.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : If I want music, I'll send for my Tex Ritter 78s. If I want a giant, I'll send for Mel Ott!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Well, I don't know Mr. Ott's work, but cowboy crooners, even one so noteworthy as ol' Tex, can hardly be mentioned in the same breath with the immortal Enrico Caruso!
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Oh, yeah? If you want to match windpipes, can that Caruso guy yodel?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Not even at gunpoint!
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Maj. Charles Winchester : Colonel, isn't it a bit early in the day to be, um--how shall I put it--bagged?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : It's not booze that's got me in this shape, Winchester, it's mumps.
Maj. Charles Winchester : [laughs] I--Forgive me, Colonel. It's just that it's a bit silly to find a childhood malady afflicting a man of your advanced years.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Step aside, Major.
Maj. Charles Winchester : What's next for you, Colonel? Unsightly teenage blemishes?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Ah, between you and the mumps, Winchester, I'd prefer the mumps. At least I know they're going to go away.
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : On second thought, I think I'll read a little and then turn in. Some Zane Grey, maybe.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Ah, Zane Grey. Tolstoy with spurs.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : He happens to be a great writer!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Colonel, what gin rummy is to games of skill, Zane Grey is to literature. Therefore, I shall counter with something civilized--Caruso.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : En-riko Caruso? The singer?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Why, yes, I do believe he sings.
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Winchester, the artistic temperament is a delicate thing. So clam up, you yahoo!
Maj. Charles Winchester : I do not understand why you are allowed your pleasures and I am not allowed mine!
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Because MY pleasures are a little more on the quiet side!
Maj. Charles Winchester : [looking at the colonel's painting] Ah! That is either a horse or the RCA building.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end. Fortunately, I have a live-in model.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce : Uh, Charles?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Hmm?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce : You're being kind of cheeky for a guy who says he's never had the mumps.
Maj. Charles Winchester : I have nothing to fear. The superiority of the Winchester genes has rendered me immune. I have been exposed to mumps countless times. I have always emerged unswelled.
B.J. : I'm sure. His butler got them for him.